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festive jokes

Dan
Grafter
Posts: 121
Registered: 05-04-2007

festive jokes

I thought i'd start it off then.  It's my task to create the family crackers this Christmas so had to come up with some suitably naff jokes.  Here are my worst/best (delete as applicable) home grown ones:
1)
Everyone really enjoyed the benefits of working for Santa Claus:
- free sherry
- free mince pies
- pension contributions
- and free private elf care

2)
My wife took the decoration from the top of the tree and put it in a liquidiser.  She couldn't understand why it didn't clean as well as shop bought fairy liquid.

3)
Santa asked Rudolph what the weather was going to be like over Christmas.  Rudolph said, "I think it's going to chuck it down," to which Santa replied, "I hope it doesn't, Reindeer."

So, come on.  Home made jokes please - I want some better ones than mine!
(all clean please!)
25 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,111
Thanks: 1
Registered: 05-04-2007

Re: festive jokes

I'm liking the first one. Grin
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: festive jokes

Community Veteran
Posts: 7,154
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Registered: 30-08-2007

Re: festive jokes

Hey! I'm going to propose a Google-free Christmas...
Experience; is something you gain, just after you needed it most.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you. But because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air. You suddenly know what you are hoping for.
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,547
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Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: festive jokes

Seconded Wink
Community Veteran
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Registered: 24-09-2008

Re: festive jokes

Why didn't Cinderella get a trial with Man U
Cos she ran away from the ball
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,547
Thanks: 193
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: festive jokes

Another thread that can turn into crackers Roll eyes Roll eyes
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: festive jokes

Quote from: Petlew
Hey! I'm going to propose a Google-free Christmas...

thats OK then, I had that list on my bookmarks since 2008  Grin Grin
Dan
Grafter
Posts: 121
Registered: 05-04-2007

Re: festive jokes

come on, is that the best you've got between you all - Cinderella and Man U - they let Rio play and he can't kick a ball - unless it's to the opposition!
more cracker jokes please - i'm running out of time and need a couple more!
Roo
Dabbler
Posts: 35
Registered: 26-06-2007

Re: festive jokes

At the Christmas party I drank a little bit too much 'Christmas cheer'. I remember losing my glasses, but the rest of the night's a blur.
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 17,253
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Fixes: 105
Registered: 11-01-2008

Re: festive jokes

q) what do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
a) lost
q)what's the bigget ant in the world?
a)an eleph-ant
They were in crackers at our works lunch. yes it was a low budget one Wink
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maranello
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Registered: 11-01-2008

Re: festive jokes

"Chet" the Christmas Carol Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.  So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....
My other car isn't a Ferrari
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,286
Thanks: 446
Fixes: 40
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: festive jokes

q) where do you find reindeer?
a) wherever you left them
Dan
Grafter
Posts: 121
Registered: 05-04-2007

Re: festive jokes

@maranello how big do you think my crackers are??    oi, I said crackers!
I like the joke though.
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 25,786
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Registered: 14-04-2007

Re: festive jokes

I thought he said quackers and had posted in the wrong thread. Smiley
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