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Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,544
Thanks: 190
Registered: 12-08-2007

Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Some of these comments come from a great  American comedian, Steve Wright. 

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly!
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine 'Fred'.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.       
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln , how was the play?
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday. 
5 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 7,149
Thanks: 51
Fixes: 2
Registered: 30-08-2007

Re: Zany Comments for the Weekend.

I think they're great artmo. I especially like the Lincoln and "fred" ones...
Experience; is something you gain, just after you needed it most.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you. But because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air. You suddenly know what you are hoping for.
Plusnet Alumni (retired) orbrey
Plusnet Alumni (retired)
Posts: 10,540
Registered: 18-07-2007

Re: Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Thanks artmo, those are great! They reminded me of Tim Vine so I went and found some of his too:
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Yay friday humour Cheesy
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,544
Thanks: 190
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Another great list Orbrey. Thanks.
Petlew, if you go to: http://tinyurl.com/cnddfm ; and click 'preview all' you'll get a taste of Steve Wright's humour.
Community Veteran
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Registered: 05-04-2007

Re: Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Some of Tim's lines are quite funny... but he seems to think they work for stand-up comedy, which they don't really. I went to this last year and he spent maybe 10 minutes just reeling off loads of those quick jokes, some of which weren't at all new... it was almost cringe-worthy.
Community Veteran
Posts: 7,149
Thanks: 51
Fixes: 2
Registered: 30-08-2007

Re: Zany Comments for the Weekend.

Thanks artmo.
One of the funniest stand-up one line comedians I ever saw live was "Bullseye's" Jim Bowen, he just reeled them off one after the other..brilliant!!
Experience; is something you gain, just after you needed it most.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you. But because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air. You suddenly know what you are hoping for.