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Something For the Weekend

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Something For the Weekend


Pun intended...

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
17 REPLIES
Community Veteran
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Registered: 24-09-2008

Re: Something For the Weekend

Grin Grin
Community Veteran
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Registered: 02-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

Grin Grin Grin
Community Veteran
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Registered: 01-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

Grin Grin Grin Grin
I need a new signature... i'm bored of the old one!
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Re: Something For the Weekend

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

Steve
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Re: Something For the Weekend

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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Registered: 21-03-2011

Re: Something For the Weekend

I saw a guy stomping on boxes in one of the aisles in Tesco's last week. The store was evacuated and the police were called to deal with this cereal killer.
Now Zen, but a +Net residue.
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Re: Something For the Weekend

The Barber said to his customer "would sir like something for the weekend?"
The customer, with a wicked grin said "yes please"
The Barber went in the back and came out with a lawn mower.
Customer and Forum Moderator.
Product of the Tyrell Corporation
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

Just a few more.................
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
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Re: Something For the Weekend

And a few more...
Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!
I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!
Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!
So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!
I've got a sponge door....don't knock it.
I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood"
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job"

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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
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Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

Another good set Smiley Smiley
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Re: Something For the Weekend

Did you know there's a name for people like us?
paronomasiac

Forum Moderator and Customer
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

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Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

Recognition at last Smiley Smiley
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Re: Something For the Weekend

Just a few more...
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!'

Forum Moderator and Customer
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Something For the Weekend

If you jump off a Paris bridge would you be in Seine?
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.