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Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
Thanks: 937
Fixes: 56
Registered: 15-06-2007

Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
7 REPLIES
Euge
Grafter
Posts: 502
Registered: 11-10-2007

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

Grin
Although AA autoroute is a perfectly acceptable route finder.
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

Good one Jim Smiley  Sums up in humourous terms the H&S/PC nonsense.  Thanks for posting.
Community Veteran
Posts: 2,284
Thanks: 219
Fixes: 1
Registered: 04-08-2009

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

The Rudolph Song
Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red. Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she said he had to argue.
One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to tea.' 'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.
'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued. 'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried to tell him.
Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!' Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows snow, darling!'
'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'
'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,486
Registered: 02-10-2008

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

I've been to Lapland - yet never saw Father Christmas  Sad
But Finnair and other Finnish businesses certainly seemed to making lots of money from the Santa business - whole chartered aircraft loads of kids and and a few parents/teachers going to his grotto.
I think the Swedes have a similar place - but not seen so much about it.
Community Veteran
Posts: 2,284
Thanks: 219
Fixes: 1
Registered: 04-08-2009

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

You should have saved your dosh. He was in Warwick market last weekend!  Grin
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,486
Registered: 02-10-2008

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

Never spent a penny on airline fares to Finland - all paid for by Nokia  Grin
But seeing Santa is so called groto in a big plastic and glass shopping centre is no match for seeing him in his log cabin, surrounded by 2 or 3 meters of snow and ice.
And as long as you dress appropriately the cold climate  is truly wonderful  - much better than a holiday to some hot and sweaty place.
And being driven on icy roads at 100 kph is something never to be forgotten !! ( studded tyres etc )
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
Thanks: 937
Fixes: 56
Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: Some thoughts for Christmas - as received by email

A bit like being driven at speed over snow/ice covered roads in Kazakhstan in a 40 seater coach drifting round the corners.