Need some advice..
Last night a relative came round with their partner. The partner is an older fella who must be mid 50s. He's clearly a chain smoker and doesn't care that this could be affecting other people.
They walk in, within seconds the entire living room stinks of stale smoke.
Worse, my son is very fond of him and spent hours cuddled up to him on the sofa - much to my disgust. Last night he then developed a sore throat, running nose and is now off school having had a rough night and still feeling ill. The same used to happen to me as a kid after being in smokey environments (parent used to drag me to smokey pubs, have smokey partners etc) - presumably the body trying to fight it off thinking it's biological when it's actually chemical..
The sofa stinks of where this guy made himself at home so i've had to take the cushions up so that i can take them outside later and vacuum the hell out of them..
Meanwhile the missus has just come home from a night shift, doesn't see a problem doesn't "have time for this debate" and as a nurse couldn't seem to care less about the effects of over whelming 2nd hand stale smoke - even though we have a 4 year old son. No point trying to discuss it with her later when she wakes up either - she's always bad tempered with me after a night shift.
The old boy is one of those who is stuck in his ways and won't believe that he's at fault if i try to politely say anything..Heck last night he covered the pizza with topping he knew our relative doesn't even like - no apologies either, he just went quiet and carried on eating when they mentioned it to him.
How do i handle this?
@7up Very difficult... as an ex-smoker... I can understand the "old guy`s" point of view....
Smokers do not realise how bad they smell.... their clothes, their breath, and hair... all smell like an old ashtray in a pub.... And as you say... when they sit down anywhere... that smell seems to transfer itself to any soft furnishings.
It was not until I finally stopped smoking that I found out how disgusting I smelled, and the disgusting smell that pervaded around me, and in my home...
I`m not sure that any kind of "polite" convesation will change his ways... however... I would certainly make an issue out of.it ..
You did not say that he actually did "light up" indoors.... but ..you could try....
." We do not smoke in this house....Please abide by the house rules, and refrain from smoking indoors"
If it is just his clothes that are transferring the smell to the atmosphere indoors, and to the soft furnshing... perhaps a strong word to your relative, explaining, what has happened... and suggesting that she ensures he has a "clean change of clothes" before visiting... otherwise.... no visit....
We also have a relative that does smoke,.... and have similar probs...but his clothes , generally , do not stink.... ! and he does respect that we do not smoke .... at his home, he and his wife, actually go out to the "smoking gazebo" for a smoke, even if its chucking it down, or freezing cold....
Yep, I'm with @shutter on this @7up, tell him when you answer the door, or the first given opportunity, there's no smoking in house due to the risks involved, not just for your son, but everyone in there. But you don't have to justify your decision to anyone.
If he doesn't like it then that's tough on him he can go outside if the need arises. Should he light up later then you have to be firm and ask him to put it out or leave. It's your house NOT his and he needs reminding of this fact.
Time to put your foot down.
I'm totally anti-smoking and have been all my life.
Everybody who comes to our house has known this for donkeys years and knows they can't smoke.
I'm not as polite as some others above and I just tell them it stinks.
I don't even like it when they smoke outdoors and I happen to be down-wind of them, even repositioning myself to avoid the filth and I'm not bothered if I make that obvious either.
He didn't actualyl smoke in the house though, he just walked in absolutely stinking of it - as if he'd smoked 50 of them in the car on the way with the windows closed.
Worse, she (my partners sister) also smokes and so doesn't smell it herself.
Your last post added a bit which makes it more tricky....no point in asking him not to smoke in your house as he is not actually smoking...but stinks of the stuff.
Who gets invited into your house is your decision, if there is a problem with anyone you simply refuse them entry, if you wish to give them a reason that is up to you but you are under no obligation to do so.
In a way I can understand your wife, been working all night, not doing a easy job and comes home to you wanting to discuss the matter with her....forget that....take the action you consider necessary, tell her what you have done and the reason for it.
Your wife is as concerned about your son as you are...she will be glad you took the necessary decision....think about it you have no choice, what is more important your son's health or losing this blokes friendship.
People who smoke are selfish and stupid....It clearly says on the pack....smoking will kill you....they are not bothered about their own health and certainly not bothered about yours....
@7up wrote: How do i handle this?
Can't say I've ever had a problem. I have several smoker friends but they all make a point of either abstaining (one of those friends is a chain smoker) or they go outside to have their fix - without even being asked to. I've never had a reason to ever mention it. They know that I and the family don't smoke.
I'd have thought such behavour comes under the heading of manners. In essense, he saying, up yours, I'm alright Jack. If I was in your boots, the relative's partner wouldn't even get over the threshold! And they would know the reason as to why as well.
I'd have thought such behavour comes under the heading of manners. In essense, he saying, up yours, I'm alright Jack.
I'm glad you said that as there have been some other signs of him having that attitude too. Yesterday his partner looked really disappointed at something he did which basically showed no care or consideration for her in front of all of us. She thinks the world of him but i can't help but think he's a rotten apple.
You may find a smore subtle approach will work.
Cough loudly when close to him, everytime he get up give the sofa a spray with Febreze and frequently spray perfume close to him.
I'm not sure of any ill-effects smoky clothes can have on a child as never researched it but, nevertheless, it's a disgusting smell that lingers for longer than any freind or relative.
As said above, your house, your rules. Anyone who cannot respect that I would not consider a relative/friend worthy of my time.
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Maybe make him wear one of them white hazmat suits that forensics people wear, citing that the last time he visited he left the house reeking of tobacco smoke and it took a lot of cleaning to get rid of the stench...
It's a nasty smell indeed, and my living with a smoker doesn't help because my clothes end up smelling of the stuff and I hate it... 🤢
24-01-2020 11:08 PM - edited 24-01-2020 11:14 PM
Not a lot you can do, and much like having a relative who has bad breath, bad table manners... or farts. As for your son having a sore throat and coughing because the partner is a smoker... really? 😕
For those rare occasions that visitors do want to smoke in the house - even though we as non smokers for the last 30 years we do not like it, because our main source of heating is a wood burning stove it would be a little bit hypocritical to refuse so instead we oblige them to ask for an ashtray we keep hidden under a candle holder!
Sorry to sound suspicious, but your son "cuddles up to him on the sofa"?
Hmm, now that would worry me far more.
I think you were a tv repairman for a few years ?
If so I think you can confirm that the state of the inside of tv's were more likely to be covered in a black tarry substance where the residents smoked compared to where they did not smoke.
And how more frequent was it to redecorate in houses where people smoked.
Just an observation.....as I know you do not support smoking.
25-01-2020 8:37 AM - edited 25-01-2020 8:45 AM
Indeed they were and as a result would attract and retain dust along with the worst of the worst, cats hairs if they had one. In a smokers house the screen would nearly always need a good wipe over and as part of your 'kit' if you had any sense would be some some of cleaner - mine was a can of foam that smelt like ammonia!
You might not have been the best TV engineer and I never was, but give that screen a quick clean while the customer was putting the kettle on, and they'd think you'd tweaked it to brilliance - which in a way we had.
How things change. Pubs would smell of beer and dog ends, cafes toast and smoke, and the top deck of a bus looked like the Thames estuary on a misty morning. 😃
@Minivanman & @gleneagles If you read the posts by @7up you will observe, that, it is smell of their visitor`s clothes that permeate the air in the house, when they visit...and also that smell DOES transfer itself to soft furnishings, and other people`s clothes....
as for "cuddling up to ".... this is something that all small children do as a show of "affection" for the person. Unfortunately for @7up there is little he can do to stop the child doing that......
However.. I do think that a stern talking to of "the releative" about personal hygeine, in respect of the clothes they wear when they come and visit, would "clear the air" .... if it meant a "family dispute" and they no longer " come a calling"... then ... indeed.. it will have cleared the air...
I got that @shutter about smell and how it transfers so no argument there.
As for cuddling up well we have little information or even observance about that and can only relate it to own experience - but not to mine peronally I might add. Cuddle up to Grandpa fine, cuddle up to a relatives smelly partner? Err, I don't think so and yes you can stop or at least divert it.