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Security Levels

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,893
Thanks: 294
Registered: ‎12-08-2007

Security Levels

A laugh for a Sunday morning.

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't
have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the
British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and
"Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French
who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in
Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are
worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,
just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to
continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New
Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come
and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

Mark Lytle
Professor of History and Environmental Studies
Bard College, Annandale, NY 12504
Posts: 415
Registered: ‎14-08-2009

Re: Security Levels

It's a but harsh, but I laughed.
Not applicable

Re: Security Levels

Thoroughly enjoyed it - brightened up a dull and depressing Sunday morning!
Well done Professor Lytle.
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,320
Thanks: 86
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎08-01-2008

Re: Security Levels

What terrible stereotypes, laugh - I nearly had an accident. Cheesy
Call me 'w23'
At any given moment in the universe many things happen. Coincidence is a matter of how close these events are in space, time and relationship.
Opinions expressed in forum posts are those of the poster, others may have different views.
Community Veteran
Posts: 7,371
Thanks: 83
Fixes: 2
Registered: ‎30-08-2007

Re: Security Levels

Great! enjoyed all of this sort of thing there's an element of truth attached, otherwise it would be a bit pointless I suppose.
Experience; is something you gain, just after you needed it most.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you. But because in that brief moment while the coin is in the air. You suddenly know what you are hoping for.