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Police Complaint

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,551
Thanks: 195
Registered: 12-08-2007

Police Complaint

True or not I thought this was funny. Grin Grin

    Police Complaint
           
            Police Complaint - just brilliant! This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
            -------------- Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
           
          One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain your obedient servant HuhHuh?
            --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr HuhHuh, I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC HuhHuh? Community Beat Officer
            --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear PC HuhHuh? First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5. 
           
            Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on Huh If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards HuhHuhHuh P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
   
10 REPLIES
Community Veteran
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Registered: 20-10-2012

Re: Police Complaint

Grin Grin Grin
Geoff,
York.
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Registered: 14-04-2007

Re: Police Complaint

Brilliant Grin
We had a small group of failed medical experiments walking along our road the other day.
The police helicopter happened to be overhead and the 'youths' were waving to it curiously using a single middle finger Undecided
I was hoping the police didn't deploy the onboard 20mm cannon as the 'youths' were alongside my car at the time.
Customer and Forum Moderator.
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Community Veteran
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Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Police Complaint

That's selfish Strat, where's your community spirit Smiley
Moderator
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Re: Police Complaint

I know...I feel guilty.....small sacrifices for the greater good and all that Embarrassed
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Re: Police Complaint

The greater good.
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Look at all the pretty graphs! (now with uptime logging!)
Community Veteran
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Registered: 06-11-2007

Re: Police Complaint

Very interestingly worded reply from the community beat officer....
"If you would like to discuss this with me............."
Whot ?
I thought you were supposed to deal with this sort of problem....


not try and get yourself invited round for a cup of tea and a wad.  Cheesy
Devonian
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Registered: 01-05-2011

Re: Police Complaint

Grin Grin Grin
LOVE IT!
Community Veteran
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Registered: 01-08-2007

Re: Police Complaint

Very good artmo, made me chuckle Wink
I need a new signature... i'm bored of the old one!
Community Veteran
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Registered: 08-10-2010

Re: Police Complaint

I'm crying here...so funny. Victor Meldrew east your heart out. Grin
TORPC
Grafter
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Registered: 08-12-2013

Re: Police Complaint

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
Thanks artmo Smiley
Needed that giggle after the day I had Wink
Was that guy, or the PC, talking through his gluteus maximus  ??  Lips are sealed