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Never ever again!

thisoldman
Grafter
Posts: 1,220
Thanks: 2
Registered: 06-04-2009

Never ever again!

Last week i was ambushed by two sanctimonious and self appointed members of my local community centre. They wanted me to host a  "come dine with me "style evening for two senior citizens in our wee village.
All I was told was that, madge and bill (iv changed their names to prevent me being sued) lol, was that they had a wicked sense of humour and were very sociable.
Not being a jamie oliver although i never eat junk food, i decided on a plain and simple menu as follows.  Prawn cocktail starter,
roast chicken roast pots  brocolli, ice cream and fruit, biscuits and cheese.
At the annointed hour the bell rang and  as i opened the door  madge swooned on top of me, hugging me, and sticking her bunch of flowers half way down my neck.
Aw ya bonnie weeman she said  hows yea?
She planked her torso on the couch and I swear |I could hear the springs groan.
A few minutes later bill arrived on his mobility scooter. He moaned it would not go in the hall, so I had to remove the car from the garage and put the scooter in there. When I got to the door, bill was lying in a heap on the fllor. He had tripped over the doorstep and his walking stick had got tangled in something.
Madge came running up and picked him up. She laughed hysterically.
Once we were all seated the first thing madge said was have you a wee russian?
A what?
Bill said she means a vodka on ice.
No i said ,all iv got is some beer.
Bill snorted.  Right lets have them he said.
In the twinkle of an eye both of them had scoffed/downed 3 beers each. I was amazed.
Whits for ma e dinner asked madge.?  I told her.
Oh my giddy aunt  i dinnae like prawns.
Have you had them before?
nah nah.
Well try them and see.
We  sat down in the dining rrom and  prepared to eat.  sudenly there was this enormous explosion.
Atttttttischooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
It was madge sneezing. She then proceeded to wipe her nose on the sleeve of her cardigan.Given the state of the cardigan Im sure no one would have noticed some extra snot.
Any more beers asked bill?
I went to fetch  some for them.
When i came back into the room , madge was picking some skin from a prawn off her upper denture and she then proceeded to wipe the denture on the table cloth.
Ho ho ho ho ho ho    bill laughed. Im sure half the nighbourhood could hear him.
I disappeared into the kitchen to check on the roast chicken.
When i came back into the room  , both of them had finished their starters.
That wis guid said madge she then proceeded to belch and fill the room with what i can only presume to be some kind of bowel wind.
HAAAAAAAAAAha      roared bill.  youv farted.
I looked at bill disapprovingly. he ignored me.
We started on the main course.
wits that  funny grren stuff asked bill?
brocolli.
sounds like foreign muck.....is that what these pakis eat?
no no no...thats rude bill. its an english vegetable.
Madge roared with laughter, the tears roling down her face.
As I looked at bill, he seemed to be making funny noises eating. In the interest of good diplomacy,i said nothing, but just gave him a stare.
CHOOOOOOOOOOOOooooking me!!
Mage appeared to be choking  so bill got up and slapped her on the back.Unfortunately he lost his footing and grabbed at the  edge of the table cover. Half the contents of the table swiftly disappeared onto the floor.
even the dog had had enough by this time and he bolted out of the room.
I cleaned up the mess. Was madge embarrased/apologetic.  NOt at all. both her and bill thought it was all hilarious.

I can not type here what I thought or pn would ban me for life.
The last course. Oh dear god i prayed  no more nonsense from these geriatric lunatics.
Madge stared at the cheese.Its goat fuuny wee pores in it.omg she said its stale.

No no no    its danish blue i told her its fine.
Aw i canny eat thatand she pushjed the plate away.
Shall i get you some biscuits and put a wee topping on them for you i asked her.

Aye ok then and get me anither wee beer.
I went into the kitchen and got some digestive biscuits and put a wee drop of pedigree chum on them.
She said they tasted smashing and asked for more, but then, fortunately, for me , she changed her mind.
Come 11pm, i indicated it was getting late so reluctantly they got to their feet and made for the door
In the hall bill hugged madge for a long long time and i had to make a diplomatic cough to seperate them.
They finally left and i looked in the dining room.It lloked as if a bomb had exploded in there.
Bill had drooped loads of food on the floor and madge had left weird deposits of some thing on her chair.
I retired to bed vowing..........never ever again.
14 REPLIES
Steve
Seasoned Pro
Posts: 6,696
Thanks: 250
Registered: 13-07-2009

Re: Never ever again!

Very good read and was interesting to the end, How can i some this up for you? An absolute nightmare  Grin
thisoldman
Grafter
Posts: 1,220
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Registered: 06-04-2009

Re: Never ever again!

tx you steve Wink
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
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Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: Never ever again!

Quote
Use of inappropriate language
The use of swear words, or disguised swear words, in a post is not allowed on the forums. Any attempt to avoid the swear filter will be dealt with.
Forum Language
The official language to be used with all postings on these forums is English

/goes away to lie down in a darkened room  Lips are sealed
Plusnet Help Team
Plusnet Help Team
Posts: 12,751
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Registered: 27-04-2007

Re: Never ever again!

That could be a comedy sketch in the making as a parody of CDWM. If I can just  imagine the ultra sarcastic Dave Lamb style commentary now Smiley
If this post resolved your issue please click the 'This fixed my problem' button
 Adam Walker
 Plusnet Help Team
Steve
Seasoned Pro
Posts: 6,696
Thanks: 250
Registered: 13-07-2009

Re: Never ever again!

You can come out now oldjim, I need that darkroom!
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
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Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: Never ever again!

Too kind  Grin Grin
Steve
Seasoned Pro
Posts: 6,696
Thanks: 250
Registered: 13-07-2009

Re: Never ever again!

It's not for me, It's for Madge Tongue
198kHz
Seasoned Pro
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Registered: 30-07-2008

Re: Never ever again!

t.o.m - A great description  Grin  Bet you won't do that again!
Not young enough to know everything
WildRose52
Grafter
Posts: 507
Registered: 23-02-2010

Re: Never ever again!


There used to be a prog on telly called `Come dine with me` but it sounds
like your experience beat it hands down.
I assume you wont be accepting any invitation round to either of their places
then?
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Never ever again!

what do you mean used to be?
Quote
COOKERY: Come Dine with Me
On: Channel 4 Date: Saturday 24th April 2010 Time: 15:55 to 16:25 (30 minutes long)
Gloucester.
The culinary competition comes from Gloucestershire, where the first host, trout farm owner Tim Small, plans to go huntin', shootin' 'n' fishin' to bag the £1,000 prize. But when Tim's guests arrive, he's still behind with his cooking. While he's busy in the kitchen, his guests snoop around his home, making some racy discoveries.
Excerpt taken from DigiGuide - the world's best TV guide available from http://www.getdigiguide.com/?p=1&r=17639
Copyright (c) GipsyMedia Limited.

and see below
WildRose52
Grafter
Posts: 507
Registered: 23-02-2010

Re: Never ever again!


Ive not a clue whats on Pierre, I dont use a TV.
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Never ever again!

I knew that, but look what you arnt missing, must be the cleanest station around with all that soap
Midnight_Caller
Rising Star
Posts: 4,143
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Registered: 15-04-2007

Re: Never ever again!

@thisoldman, That Sounded like hell on Earth.
thisoldman
Grafter
Posts: 1,220
Thanks: 2
Registered: 06-04-2009

Re: Never ever again!

hello mc  not seen you for a wee while  are you ok.      It was an experience    see part 2