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Just for Laughs

Community Veteran
Posts: 6,584
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Registered: 16-02-2009

Just for Laughs

Posted on the Homebrew forum. Reposted here as it made me LOL.
".... Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say..."
7 REPLIES
Community Veteran
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Registered: 08-10-2010

Re: Just for Laughs

Banned from Tesco's?  Have they no sense of humour?
I know Tesco do have one - they sent us money off vouchers for soap tablets ,25 pack.  When the tablets come in units 0f 20, 24 and 48. Huh  Huh
Community Veteran
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Registered: 24-09-2008

Re: Just for Laughs

@HB:- lol, nice one
Phil2401
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Registered: 18-08-2013

Re: Just for Laughs

You've probably heard it but this brings to mind an old Billy Connolly joke - once he had a posh girlfriend and was invited back to her parents' mansion for dinner. They were all sitting silently in the drawing room around the fire after dinner, all feeling awkward and nobody knowing what to say. The family dog on the hearthrug suddenly sat up and started licking its private parts. Everybody tried to look the other way but Billy felt he had to break the silence, so he said 'I always wished I could do that'..... the girlfriend's mother said 'give him a biscuit and he might let you'.....well it made me laugh anyway.
Community Veteran
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Registered: 04-08-2009

Re: Just for Laughs

My dog must think he's a blacksmith, because every time I kick his [Censored] he makes a bolt for the door!
Edit.. Gordon Ramsay wouldn't stand a chance in here if that's being censored!  Cheesy
Phil2401
Newbie
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Registered: 18-08-2013

Re: Just for Laughs

That's why I said private parts instead of [Censored].
198kHz
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Registered: 30-07-2008

Re: Just for Laughs

Very good HB.  Grin
Reminds me of the man who went to confession, and explained that he'd been so tempted by seeing his wife bending over to get ice cream from the freezer that he'd made passionate love to her there and then.
He was worried that they'd be banned from the church.
Oh no, not at all, said the priest. A little kinky, perhaps, but I know you've not been married long.
You certainly won't be banned from the church.

Well we're banned from Asda!
Not young enough to know everything
Razer
Grafter
Posts: 1,375
Registered: 17-11-2012

Re: Just for Laughs

Quote from: Phil2401
... brings to mind an old Billy Connolly joke

Gotta love Billy Connolly. For some reason what you said put me in mind of one of his old routines from about 25 years ago. I think maybe the dog story is about the same time. He was talking about having thoughts of being able to have, like spectacles, prescription windscreens in cars (think he may even have been talking about his father driving and maybe even a Robin Reliant) and what it must be like when you drive along the road and one of these cars comes toward you and all you see is this massive head in the car. Grin Grin Grin