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(Joke) Microsoft Base Code

Ghozer
Grafter
Posts: 43
Registered: 06-02-2008

(Joke) Microsoft Base Code

** NOTE ** I have now fixed the Brackets and Indentation **
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main() {
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) {
  if (there_are_still_bugs) {
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) {
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
  }
  }
 
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) {
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
  if (rumours_grow_wilder) {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
  }
  }
 
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
        break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
        say("Yes it will work");
        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
        break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
        when(time_is_ripe) {
          arrest(journalist);
          brainwash(journalist);
        }
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
        break;
  }
  while(vapourware) {
  introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) { break; }
  say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while(everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) {
  bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
  release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
  introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  if (customers_report_installation_problems) {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla y) {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
    }
  }
  }
  if(there_is_another_company) {
  steal(their_ideas);
  accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
  hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law suit);
  buy_out(other_company);
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe r_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void) {
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) {
  say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints) {
    ignore(customer);
  }
  }
  register(customer, big_Bill_book);
  /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
4 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 1,571
Thanks: 3
Registered: 13-04-2007

Re: (Joke) Microsoft Base Code

were have you dug that up from its donkeys years old
Community Veteran
Posts: 1,229
Thanks: 1
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: (Joke) Microsoft Base Code

yeah and it won't compile
prichardson
Grafter
Posts: 1,503
Registered: 05-04-2007

Re: (Joke) Microsoft Base Code

Oh, it will compile, it's just so old it realises it needs a 64bit system to start processing the values for bill_bank_account
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 25,755
Thanks: 1,120
Fixes: 47
Registered: 14-04-2007

Re: (Joke) Microsoft Base Code

Wonderful stuff Grin
Customer and Forum Moderator.
Product of the Tyrell Corporation