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If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

Community Veteran
Posts: 16,862
Thanks: 1,141
Fixes: 13
Registered: 06-11-2007

If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

An Ozzie friend sent me this lot.....    ( so I make no apple oggies for the content... )... just thought  you lot might enjoy some light refreshment....

If these are "copyright material"... please communicate with me, and I will remove those you can prove are your copyright.....

Quote
   
   Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
   "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
   
    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”
   "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
   
   19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
   Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
   
   The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
   Talk about Dyson with death.
   
   I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed four grave
   diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
   I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
   
   My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
   
   I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
   
   I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.
   
   I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
   The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
   
   Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
   
   My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
   
   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.
   I said "You're obviously not listening."
   
   The wife has been missing a week now.
   Police said to prepare for the worst.  So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
   
   Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
   Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
   
 
   The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
   
   When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
   
   Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
   
   Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
   
   A teddy bear is working on a building site.
   He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
   The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
   
   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
   
   Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
   It was a lovely service.
   
   An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
   
   


adie:red removed some inappropriate ones.
5 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,274
Thanks: 339
Fixes: 12
Registered: 24-10-2013

Re: If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

mildly amusing bordering on racist.
Community Veteran
Posts: 2,556
Thanks: 171
Fixes: 2
Registered: 27-05-2011

Re: If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

Some Stonkers  Cheesy Cheesy Grin Grin
To do is to be - Neitzsche
To be is to do - Kant
do be do be do - Sinatra
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,551
Thanks: 193
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

Oh dear Wink Wink
TimeRider
Grafter
Posts: 84
Registered: 12-07-2013

Re: If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

Nice to see that PC is going out.
Some funny ones there and whether someone is called Paddy, is a dwarf - or even if they look like me - We're ALL human (well apart from the bear!)
Thanks for the smiles dude Smiley
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,307
Thanks: 86
Fixes: 3
Registered: 08-01-2008

Re: If you don`t have a sense of humour.... don`t read this.....

PC is for 'Vegetarians' IMO.
If a Joke is meant 'in good humour' rather than to cause offence then I don't take it as offensive.  If something is said or written with the purpose of causing offence that's a different matter.
I'm now going to make sure that the next dog I get isn't a Labrador, I don't want to take that risk.
Call me 'w23'
At any given moment in the universe many things happen. Coincidence is a matter of how close these events are in space, time and relationship.
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