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I needed a laugh so...

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I needed a laugh so...

Tommy Cooper jokes
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom..'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat [Censored]'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.  
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10 REPLIES
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Grafter
Posts: 666
Registered: 31-07-2007

Re: I needed a laugh so...

Strat, further proof that we have the same sense of humour!!
thanks for this one , I still haven't stopped laughing......
come to think of it, the humour is more akin to Lee Mack! who I think is great.
and a later mod......reminds me very much also of the newish Canadian comedian who does one-liners, I think he's called Frank Windsor ?
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

@strat, thanks I needed that.
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Good one liners.
Makes a change from all the doom and gloom we keep hearing about.
198kHz
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Grin VG Strat!
Makes all the difference when read with Cooper's delivery in mind.
Not young enough to know everything
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Thanks Strat.  TC was a master of the one liner Grin
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Quote from: community
come to think of it, the humour is more akin to Lee Mack! who I think is great.

Lee Mack makes me laugh and I have a DVD of his 'Going Out Live'.
However after having sat through a Lee Evans show at the Sheffield Arena last Friday night with tears in my eyes and aching cheeks.......
As far as Tommy Cooper is concerned, and it has been said many times, he only had to walk on stage and do nothing for people to burst out laughing. You knew what was coming Grin
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

For quick fire one liners I like
-Odr7E4klE&feature=related
jelv (a.k.a Spoon Whittler)
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lexusuk
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Quote from: Strat
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

Ahahaha!  Cheesy
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

Quote from: Strat
However after having sat through a Lee Evans show at the Sheffield Arena last Friday night with tears in my eyes and aching cheeks.......

Aching cheeks...  hard seats they have at the Arena then  Tongue
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Re: I needed a laugh so...

As a matter of fact they aren't that comfortable but those weren't the cheeks I was referring to Cheesy
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