Humour

[#1]

Has the chit-chat forum lost it's sense of humour? Someone said to me the other day that their sense of humour isn't what it was, and I think he may be right. The news is depressing, we're being tax squeezed till we squeak, We can't trust this government to do anything right or in the public interest, except to ensure that MP's and their families do very nicely thank you, Brown can't see the writing on the wall and go.
We (the forum) seem to spend a lot of time sniping at one another these days (I'm as guilty as anyone) There are other serious minded forums here, I'd like to see chit-chat get back to the easy going humour of a few months back (some may say frivilous humour, but does that really matter?)
Let's lighten up guy's, there's doom and gloom enough out there.
Ok. rant over...

[#2]

Couldn't agree more. However, I confess to having the best laugh for ages following a post on here some months ago by one of the PN staff (might have been James). It was the one about Earthquake Appeal in Barnsley. Being from the north, it struck a cord. I saved it and passed it on to my friends and they enjoyed it too. It's a skit on us northerners but I still smile when I think of it.

[#3]

Quote from: petlew

... there's doom and gloom enough out there...

Not here there isn't, but blue skies and bright sunshine instead 

[#4]

Also, don't forget all the enjoyment that the open day brought - lots of camaraderie and fun - went on for pages and pages, so thanks for that PN.

[#5]

For those wanting a bit of prepared humour and a fun read, have a look at this thread called 'A lighter moment'. It was started to lighten things up after a lot of serious topics. It currently stands at 25 pages with 360 replies. 

[#6]

@ spider...excellent (I don't use smileys very often but       

edit: and bookmarked!!

[#7]

John Cleese's Letter to America
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.  Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played   outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Cheers
John Cleese

[#8]

Yes, we need some frivolity - thank you Spider for that link!

[#9]

Had to go looking for the origins of that John Cleese letter (I wasn't convinced that John Cleese would write something like that) and found out some interesting things, not least of which is that it did actually get sent to President Clinton!
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

[#10]

I found orbrey's research fascinating, it was a slightly different version.
When I tried to paste my copy for your perusal it censored the mention of cars.
In orbrey's version you will see the original.
Reminds me of the other day when I tried to use a word for a female dog, which was censored.
Perhaps sometimes we are being over protected, as is indicated in the topic started by oldJim about wheelie bins.

[#11]

The lovely weather over the weekend [and football on tv] has obviously put a stop to the humour.................
so how about this;
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally,
He decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be  covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
SO......Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[#12]

And as they say in church.....
"here endeth the lesson"

[#13]

Perhaps this one will appeal more?
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace  the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the  young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could   become used to a new doctor.
 
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little   sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing  the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine   that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so   quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on  the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I  noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was  what probably was making her sick."
  "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll   try that at the next house."
 
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes  talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just  didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly  run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"   the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a  bit and see if that helps."
  As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost  certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
 
"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my  stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the   preacher under the bed."

[#14]

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

[#15]

Ha Ha Ha Ha       
At least they make you smile ! ! .... and as previously recorded, we need to smile a lot more during these times of High Petrol prices..... did anyone see that it can be obtained for as little as 25p per litre?
Genuine Price.....honest to god...
Here`s my little religious gem
Jesus said unto Moses, "arise" so he arose, and somebody pinched his seat......
Jesus said unto Moses,  "come forth" but unfortunately he could only manage 5th, and won a bag of peanuts.....