Humour

[#1]

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

[#2]

Not that I use the bus these days, but what puzzles me is when it's half empty and somebody with far more weight decides to squash in next to me. What's all that about?

Then when the bus is pretty well full some sit on the outside of the seat and you have to ask them to shift over.

[#3]

@Minivanman No idea, but I have noticed that on the odd occasion. Just some weird people, I suppose.

[#4]

                        I have relatives in the South who are worried about our wellbeing!!

[#5]

Man comes home finds his wife in bed with his best friend. So he beats him to death.

Wife looks very cross and says, "You carry on like that and you'll have no mates left at all"

[#6]

A boy walks in on his mother bonking his father. “What are you doing?” the boy asks? “I’m jumping on daddy to make him thin” said the mother. Don’t bother said the boy, “when you go shopping the lady next door comes round and blows him up again"

[#7]

🎵 Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer 🎵

[#8]

At the shop, there was a big X on the floor for customers to stand on. I've seen too many road runner cartoons to fall for that one.

[#9]

If you get an email with the subject "William Shatner Sings Christmas Carols", do not click on the link.

It leads to a video of William Shatner singing Christmas carols.

[#10]

https://youtu.be/sX6_mRlxvVc

[#11]

The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were struck with great fear. The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold.... "

Shepherds: And?

Angel: Sorry, but it you want to hear more you'll have to subscribe.

😆

[#12]

One I made today 

Under tier 4 restrictions, non-essential shops, hairdressers and leisure and entertainment venues will close, with a new “stay at home” message introduced. People who need to travel for education or childcare will be exempt, and exercise will be unlimited.

[#13]

Apparently these are the top 10 British cracker jokes of 2020:

1 What is Dominic Cummings’s favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2 Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate!

3 Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4 Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5 Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.

6 Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because, eventually, it’s behind you.

7 Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8 Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

9 What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10 Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

[#14]

[#15]