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Humour

Hero
Posts: 4,923
Thanks: 1,678
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Humour

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

ADSL2+   Billion 8800NL
Aspiring Legend
Posts: 12,743
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Humour

Not that I use the bus these days, but what puzzles me is when it's half empty and somebody with far more weight decides to squash in next to me. What's all that about?

Then when the bus is pretty well full some sit on the outside of the seat and you have to ask them to shift over.


Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who somebody else is today
Seasoned Hero
Posts: 5,450
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Registered: ‎24-02-2012

Re: Humour

@Minivanman No idea, but I have noticed that on the odd occasion. Just some weird people, I suppose.

John
Pro
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Registered: ‎24-02-2009

Re: Humour

X_Card.jpg

 

                        I have relatives in the South who are worried about our wellbeing!!

Aspiring Legend
Posts: 12,743
Thanks: 4,609
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Humour

Man comes home finds his wife in bed with his best friend. So he beats him to death.

Wife looks very cross and says, "You carry on like that and you'll have no mates left at all"


Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who somebody else is today
Aspiring Pro
Posts: 113
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Registered: ‎02-01-2020

Re: Humour

A boy walks in on his mother bonking his father. “What are you doing?” the boy asks? “I’m jumping on daddy to make him thin” said the mother. Don’t bother said the boy, “when you go shopping the lady next door comes round and blows him up again"

 

Hero
Posts: 4,923
Thanks: 1,678
Fixes: 30
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Humour

chess nuts resize.jpg

🎵 Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer 🎵

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

ADSL2+   Billion 8800NL
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 1,022
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Humour

At the shop, there was a big X on the floor for customers to stand on. I've seen too many road runner cartoons to fall for that one.

Hero
Posts: 4,923
Thanks: 1,678
Fixes: 30
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Humour

If you get an email with the subject "William Shatner Sings Christmas Carols", do not click on the link.

It leads to a video of William Shatner singing Christmas carols.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

ADSL2+   Billion 8800NL
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 1,022
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Humour

Aspiring Legend
Posts: 12,743
Thanks: 4,609
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Humour

The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were struck with great fear. The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold.... "

Shepherds: And?

Angel: Sorry, but it you want to hear more you'll have to subscribe.

😆

 


Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who somebody else is today
Aspiring Champion
Posts: 903
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Registered: ‎11-04-2017

Re: Humour

One I made today Funny

Under tier 4 restrictions, non-essential shops, hairdressers and leisure and entertainment venues will close, with a new “stay at home” message introduced. People who need to travel for education or childcare will be exempt, and exercise will be unlimited.Under tier 4 restrictions, non-essential shops, hairdressers and leisure and entertainment venues will close, with a new “stay at home” message introduced. People who need to travel for education or childcare will be exempt, and exercise will be unlimited.

Aspiring Champion
Posts: 903
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Registered: ‎11-04-2017

Re: Humour

Apparently these are the top 10 British cracker jokes of 2020:

1 What is Dominic Cummings’s favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2 Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate!

3 Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4 Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5 Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.

6 Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because, eventually, it’s behind you.

7 Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8 Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

9 What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10 Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

Aspiring Champion
Posts: 903
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Registered: ‎11-04-2017

Re: Humour

Screenshot 2020-12-21 at 12.14.17 PM.png

Aspiring Champion
Posts: 903
Thanks: 406
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎11-04-2017

Re: Humour

kent.jpg