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Humour - Some one liners

Midnight_Caller
Rising Star
Posts: 4,143
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Registered: 15-04-2007

Humour - Some one liners

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .  "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .  Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.  I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the dashed thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site.  He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"  "I'm sending a voice mail ya thicko
Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
6 REPLIES
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Re: Humour - Some one liners

Grin Grin
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TORPC
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Re: Humour - Some one liners

Grin Grin
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Re: Humour - Some one liners

Grin Grin
Made my day, thanks

Forum Moderator and Customer
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

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Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: Humour - Some one liners

Some misleading headlines (nicked from a letter to the Times)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jay-walkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinary surgeon Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Children Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Community Veteran
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Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: Humour - Some one liners

..........it's the way you tell 'em Grin Grin
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Re: Humour - Some one liners

The wife's had a breast reduction. Now she's only got two.
My dog thinks he's a blacksmith cos when I kick him he makes a bolt for the door.