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Have you heard the one about …

TTman
Pro
Posts: 343
Thanks: 189
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of uni

Engineer says: Close project coordination
Engineer means: We know who to blame

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit

Engineer says: It is in process
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

Engineer says: We'll look into it
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now

Engineer says: Please read and initial
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged

Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked

Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off

Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken

Moderator's note by Mike (Mav): Post released from Spam Filter.

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,726
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

That reminds me -

 

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re about 52·5 degrees north latitude and about 2·8 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Luzern
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Posts: 4,156
Thanks: 623
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Registered: ‎31-07-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A weak one! A poultry farm's productivity relies on ovatime.

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,772
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Registered: ‎16-10-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

An old tramp goes in to see the doctor and explains that when he poos it comes out like spaghetti. The doctor gets him up on the consulting table and has a look, he then calls in and nurse to help but soon enough the doc says OK get dressed now and come back in a week and tell me how you get on.

The week passes and the tramp comes back in and says everything is back to normal and asks the doctor what he did. Oh it was easy really said the doctor, I just cut four inches off the bottom of your string vest!

Community Veteran
Posts: 9,298
Thanks: 1,349
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Registered: ‎02-08-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Man who is hard of hearing goes to see the consultant with his wife,

Consultant says " We need a specimen of urine from your Husband"

Husband says " What did he say"

Wife replies " I will explain it to you when we leave"

Consultant says" We require a specimen of faeces & [-Censored-] from your husband"

As they leave the consulting room the husband asks once again what was said.

His wife replies " The consultant said to leave your underpants with the receptionist"

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,726
Thanks: 630
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A young lady went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the landlord gave her one.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Community Veteran
Posts: 9,298
Thanks: 1,349
Fixes: 10
Registered: ‎02-08-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

I drove into the back of someones car the other day.

This small chap got out and said, " I'm not Happy"

I replied, "Which one are you then ?"

Community Veteran
Posts: 6,772
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Registered: ‎16-10-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

For the first time ever I walked into a bar, it really hurt!

 

TTman
Pro
Posts: 343
Thanks: 189
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday after a dreadful winter dawned a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right, that ideal, rare, incredible proto-spring day which pleads with us to come away and dally.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick, arranged for the assistant to take his morning and evening services, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

His guardian angel was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, "Look at this preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God agreed.

The preacher teed up on the first hole, a murderous PAR 4. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, five hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfecthole-in-one. The preacher was staggered, amazed, and terrifically excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon Lord, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- whom can he tell?"

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,726
Thanks: 630
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The clutch on a man's relatively new car was knackered, and he was insisting it must be due to his wife's driving.

 

"How can it be me?" she protested, "I never use it!"

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Minivanman
Seasoned Hero
Posts: 8,620
Thanks: 2,543
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Enjoying the jokes folks but thinking about the one posted by @198kHz about a double entendre...

These days, what with political correctness and all, we have to look over our shoulders before cracking certain jokes in case we upset somebody. Some of course are just plain wrong, but I do get the feeling that where anything once went, we are in fact slowly returning to the days of the double entendre and of the kind that Max Miller and to some extent Benny Hill used to throw out. 

Just a thought, as the actress said to the bishop - or was that the vicar to the tart? Smiley

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,726
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …


@Minivanman wrote:

These days, what with political correctness and all, we have to look over our shoulders before cracking certain jokes in case we upset somebody.

In a personal capacity, I've always "graded" my jokes depending on the company present - and sometimes I've got it wrong. Embarrassed

For professional comedians, though, I think they're having a much harder time in recent years. After all, most audiences are going to comprise a wide spectrum of belief, opinions, political and religious tendency etc, and the current trend is to not upset anyoneSad

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
RobPN
Seasoned Champion
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Re: Have you heard the one about …


One of my favourites is Jimmy Carr, e.g.

Moderator's note by Mike (Mav): Full quote of preceding post removed as per Forum rules.

Luzern
Champion
Posts: 4,156
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Registered: ‎31-07-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A survey is being conducted by a PhD student on sexual activity. He wants to find, how many double task whilst in flagrante.

He asks a subject, "do you smoke while having sex?" Reply came, "I've never looked!"

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Moderator
Moderator
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

If 2 men, one wearing a camouflage jacket and the other a hi-vis jacket pass in the street, do they cancel each other out?

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