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Have you heard the one about …

Luzern
Aspiring Hero
Posts: 4,473
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Registered: ‎31-07-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

I hope I haven't told this before!

It is the age of fully autonomous AI robots. A gent and a lady pair have a growing spark for each other.

They attend an exhibition of new things to improve robotic performance. After all they like screws as much as we do.

She spots something, "Oh I do adore that little switch". He to gain her favour replies, " you shall have whatever you want, if it turns you on, my dear".

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Community Veteran
Posts: 2,984
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Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money at him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'"

Luzern
Aspiring Hero
Posts: 4,473
Thanks: 745
Fixes: 6
Registered: ‎31-07-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Rumour has it Screwfix is looking to diversify into adult personal service provision. The company name will be retained.

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
Posts: 10,167
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A golden oldie. :grin:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

 

 

198kHz
Aspiring Hero
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

That reminds me...

 

An atheist was walking along through a forest admiring all that the accident of nature had produced. A river rippled along near the track whilst birds flew overhead. All was beautiful.

Suddenly he heard a loud crashing noise behind him, and looking round, saw a large bear come out of the bushes, followed by the rest of the bear family. He turned and ran, but the bears closed the gap. The man tripped over a root and fell, the bears closing in. In desperation the atheist cried" Help me God".

Everything stopped. The river stopped flowing, the birds stopped flying and there was total silence. A light shone down on to the scene and a voice said "After all these years as an atheist you now dare to call on me for help"? The atheist replied "Maybe it's too late for me now but can you do one thing for me"?
"What is that" said God?
"Perhaps you could turn the bears into Christians?" said the atheist. "Very well" said God.

The river and all the other activities began again. The atheist looked at the bear, who slowly lifted his left paw from the man and dropping his right paw, brought them together, and said "For what we are about to receive...."

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a forum upgrade.
RobPN
Aspiring Hero
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Registered: ‎17-05-2013

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Continuing with the hunting theme;

 

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
Posts: 10,167
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Electile dysfunction:

"The inability to be aroused by any of the parties standing for election". :2funny:

Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Read earlier...

Children are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird. :crazy3: 

Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames near Westminster...

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger that me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"... "Well said the big croc, what have you been eating?"... "Politicans, same as you replied the small croc, and I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament. I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for them to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the poop out of them and eat them."

"Ah says the big crocodile, I think I see your problem. You're not getting enough nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the poop out of them there's nothing left but a bumhole and a briefcase!"

Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

IMG_20191021_0001_NEW.jpg

Minivanman
Aspiring Legend
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she just moves an inch close and says "how about now?"

@richardosman

TTman
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

My wife said that if I don't get off my computer and do some jobs she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn