Have you heard the one about …

[#1]

Well the irony there is that it's gone way over my head. I just can't see it.

[#2]

On the heels of @Minivanman and elephant mouse theme:

Mouse to elephant: I've been told you say, I get up your nose quite often. I feel awful, and I don't want us to fall out.

Elephant to Mouse: Don't worry. We're pals, but Ithink a cold's coming on. My trunk's been quite stuffed up of late.

[#3]

Why do elephants have flat feet

To stamp out forest fires!!

How do elephants get flat feet

From jumping out of trees to stamp out forest fires!

How do you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge

By the footmarks in the butter!

Ill leave it there I dont think youll stand anymore YET!!!!!

[#4]

Room for more surely?

How do you get four elephants in a mini.

Two in the front, two in the back! 

[#5]

I'm resisting temptation to follow on from that one ...  

[#6]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

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I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

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How many ears does Spock have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

[#7]

I just hate it when people complain over the internet. 

[#8]

@Minivanman  AW I saving that one for later!!!!

How many rhinos can you get in the mini

NONE  is full of elephants!!!

[#9]

Velcro? Now there's a rip-off!

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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

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phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he?"
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Courtesy of TIM Vine.

[#10]

I went in to the local Boots Chemist and asked the Swedish lady behind the counter for a deodorant.

Ball or Arsol she asked.

Neither I said it’s for my arm pits!

[#11]

Teacher : What is 10 minus one.

Pupil: That will benign sir.

The Lord said to John, "Go fourth and I will give you eternal life"

John came fifth and won a tv.

[#12]

"Are you a tassel?"

"No, I'm afraid not!"

[#13]

Cartoon by Giles, of a couple getting divorced.

Picture of a Cow.....

The husband is pulling on the cow's horns.....

The Wife is pulling on the. Cow's tail.

In the middle of the Cow is a solicitor..,.milking it.

This one might be pushing it a bit but here goes.....

What do you call a man with a small (censored)

Answer: Justin.

[#14]

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug

What do you call a girl who sets light to her bills?

Bernadette

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a plank on his head ?
Edward

What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head ?
Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks on his head ?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would

What do you call a man with a car on his head ?
Jack

[#15]

@gleneagles 

Spot from Giles... almost, as from experience it's two solicitors milking the same cow.