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Have you heard the one about …

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Anonymous
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Have you heard the one about …

I thought I’d start this topic with the intention of it being the place used to post your best, or possibly worst jokes, but keep it clean you don't know who is reading this.

To kick it off I’ll start with:

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 4, one to change it and the other three to sing the life story of the last one!

313 REPLIES 313
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Aspiring Legend
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Q: How many times does Boris Johnson change a light bulb? 
A: No one knows, the public automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a politican anyway.

Hey c'mon, at least it's topical! Wink

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Eccles went for an interview for a job

He was sat with another interviewee waiting and the guy said to him:

Is that a cambridge tie you are wearing?

Eccles: Yup

Guy: what did you do at cambride?

Eclles: bought a tie Grin

 

Know a lot of Irish jokes but dont know if they would be PC now!Roll_eyes

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Two fellas who weren't English, Scots, or Welsh were going round the park.

One was digging holes, which the second one filled in after a couple of minutes. 'What's going on?' enquired a passer by.

'Ah well', they said, 'there's normally three of us, but the fella with the trees is off sick today'.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Whats written on the bottom of a bottle of guinness

Open other endRoll_eyes

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A modern taleCrazy3

An Ipswich girl went down to the jobcenter to get her family allowance.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne," she answered.

"They're all named Wayne ?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

 

 

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I was at the swimming pool, and as no one was about I had a quick pee in the deep end.

 

The lifeguard must have seen me, and he shouted so loud I nearly fell in.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

As usual, the Mrs was doing her Yoga this morning so I said to her, "can you teach me to do the splits?' She said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays."

Has anybody seen my coat? Roll_eyes

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Anonymous
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

This is a bit risqué but I think its funny.

 

A woman drops a dress off at the dry cleaners and turns to leave.
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The woman looks at here and says, "No, it's toothpaste!"

 

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Her name wasn't Monica Lewinsky by any chance? Wink

 

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Anonymous
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

None. It's a hardware problem.

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Anonymous
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

I don't know! I wasn't there!

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

After a severe earthquake in Dublin, rescuers are searching the rubble when they hear a faint voice calling "Help!"

 

"Where are you?" they shouted. "Room 236" came the reply.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

GROAN ALERT

 

There were three rabbts, One called foot, one called foot foot and the third called foot foot foot.

One day foot, foot foot and foot foot foot were walking thro the forest and foot got his foot caught in a foot trap.

Foot foot and foot foot foot took foot to see the foot doctor and the foot doctor said foot was going to die.

Foot died!

Later foot foot and foot foot foot were walking thro the forest and foot foot got his foot caught in a foot trap.

So foot foot foot took foot foot to see the foot doctor and the foot doctor said foot foot was going to die.

Foot foot foot said thats to bad I have already got one foot in the grave !!!!

 

WARNED YOU DIDNT IThumbs_Up

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

@TTman 

Ouch!

I prefer the one about the rabbit asking for carrots in a butchers shop. Thumbs_Up