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Have you heard the one about …

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

An elderly couple were having dinner with friends.

After the meal the ladies disappeared into the kitchen.

One of the gentlemen began telling his friend about the marvellous restaurant they had recently enjoyed.

"What's it called?" the other one asked.

"Ah yes, well, er, let's see, um, what's that flower you give to someone you love? You know, it's red and has thorns."

"You mean a rose?"

 

"That's it!" Shouting loudly towards the kitchen - "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

Ω is where the is
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Rising Star
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to a toy shop and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"

She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Marriage

A guy talks with his friend about his marriage:

"It's getting bad these days; my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."

"Is she an alcoholic?" the friend asks

 "No, she's looking for me."

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Hope I don't get told off about this - it is good though:

Moderator's note by Dick (Strat): Avoidance of swear filter edited as per Forum rules.

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Trump, Pompeo and a school pupil took a helicopter ride to open a new school some distance away. Half an hour had elapsed when the pilot suddenly announced that there was a problem with an engine, smoke started to fill the cabin and everyone had to get out quickly. BUT.. someone had goofed and there were only three parachutes.

"I'm the most important person in the world" yelled Trump, who grabbed a bag and shot out of the side door.

"He's the President" said Pompeo, "I follow him everywhere" , and he also grabbed a bag and jumped through the door.

"Well" said the pilot to the boy, "look, you go, you have the rest of your life ahead of you and you might make a difference to the world. It's too late for me to do that. You take the last parachute. 

"Thank you Sir" said the boy, "But there's no need. There are two chutes left".

"How come?" said the pilot.

"Easy" the boy said, "Trump grabbed my schoolbag!"

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Talk about bad luck - yet again my friend has been jilted by his fiancée at the altar, the latest in a long line of near Mrs.

Ω is where the is
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise..."

"Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.


So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Spoiler
'Ryanair'.

 

Ω is where the is
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Aspiring Legend
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

My dog is learning a foreign language. 'Espanol?'

No, retriever.


Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who somebody else is today
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Hero
Posts: 4,728
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A confident young man is attending his first job interview.

 

HR: So, what salary do you think you're worth?

YM: £125,000?

HR: How about £200,000, a BMW and a £500,000 pension pot?

YM: You're joking!

HR: Well you started it.

Ω is where the is
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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A man walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat.

"Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels".

"Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland"

"Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive".

"Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can, so please tell me,

Spoiler
how Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
Ω is where the is
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Aspiring Legend
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

My wife didn't think I was capable of fixing her hair drier, well she's in for a shock.


Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who somebody else is today
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Rising Star
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Registered: ‎02-01-2020

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Marriage is like a hand grenade, remove the ring and the house is gone.