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Have you heard the one about …

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Aspiring Champion
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

If ever there was a need for a thumbs down option....................

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Seasoned Pro
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Tongue

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Seasoned Pro
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Bob comes rushing in to a cafe and says to his friend "Hey Bert, your wife's cheating on you over in the woods with one of your friends!"

Bert drops his knife and fork and rushes out of the cafe heading in the direction of the woods. But only a couple of minutes later he's back at the cafe and goes up to Bob and says "Liar! It's hardly a wood, there's only a few trees and he's not my friend I don't even know the man".

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Community Veteran
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Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

@nozzer A pure classic!😂

John
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I had to read the first half of the first line again ... 

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

@RobPN You are not alone.  😄

Bear in mind that double negatives are a complete no-no
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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I went to the local pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if they sold Benylin.

'For cough?' he said

'Alright mate, I only asked!'

Bear in mind that double negatives are a complete no-no
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Community Veteran
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A duck walks into a pub, waddles up to the bar, flaps a bit and settles on the counter top.

"Crikey, you're a duck!" says the barman.

"Not much wrong with your eyes then!" says the duck.

"And you can talk as well" says the barman.

"The old ears seems to working as well" says the duck. "I'll have a pint of Guinness please and a bag of pork scratchings.

 

The barman pours the beer and gets the nibbles, and they get chatting, as you do. "What are you doing round here then?" says the barman.

"Oh" says the duck, "I'm working on the building site just across the road. I'm a plasterer".

"Oh I seeeee" says the barman, and they both settle down to a pleasant evening's chat.

This carries on for about two weeks, and then one evening the duck comes in and announces that he's finished the job and is moving on because he hasn't got anything else to do. The barman is quite sad and they shake hands/wings and say cheerio.

 

Three months later the duck reappears in the pub, and before he can say anything at all the barman shouts "Hey, mate, really pleased to see you again. I think I've found the ideal thing for you"

"What" says the duck. "Well, there's a circus just setting up down the road. That might be ideal and for life".

"A circus?" says the duck. "Yep", says the barman.

"A circus, as in one of those things they have in a tent?"

"Yep" says the barman.

"A tent with big flappy walls made out of canvas" says the duck.

"Yeah" says the barman, sounding a bit puzzled.

"A circus where they keep animals in cages that have bars, and the people who work there live in caravans made out of flexible metal walls?" says the duck.

"Well, yes" says the barman, sounding quite concerned now.

And he duck replies "What the hell would they want a plasterer for?"

 

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Rising Star
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

The Rat and the Hamster

A drunk walks up to a bartender one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Bartender says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and places him on the piano. The hamster starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the bartender has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after drinking his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The bartender says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts singing along with the hamster."

Impressed, the bartender starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the bartender who it belongs to. The bartender points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the singing rat.”

The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The bartender looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the hamster is a ventriloquist"

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

What do you feed an invisible cat?

Spoiler
Evaporated milk. 
Bear in mind that double negatives are a complete no-no
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Rising Star
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Old Cat Lady

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said:

"Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Trump.
 
Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.
 
Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Sean Spicer could truthfully say the crowd was much bigger than that for Obama’s inauguration.
 
Trump was very impressed and said, “That’s really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?”
 
His assistant said, “I couldn’t tell, the casket was closed.”
Bear in mind that double negatives are a complete no-no
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Community Veteran
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

When a duck breaks wind in the lake does it become water foul?

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Hard to say, but the flag's a big plus.

Bear in mind that double negatives are a complete no-no