cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Have you heard the one about …

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

Highlighted
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 20,324
Thanks: 3,782
Fixes: 416
Registered: ‎06-04-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …


@dave501 wrote:

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I must be tired as I actually looked in the Spam filter🙄😑😫

Forum Moderator and Customer
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still

Highlighted
Rising Star
Posts: 81
Thanks: 71
Fixes: 4
Registered: ‎02-01-2020

Re: Have you heard the one about …

I went to a very posh do last Christmas, I had terrible wind. I couldn't hold it any longer and let one go. A very well spoken man turned to me and said “do you mind sir, you just broke wind before my wife" I replied “I'm terribly sorry old chap, I didn't realise it was her turn next" 

 

I have a friend that has a trophy wife. By the looks of her, it wasn’t for first place!

Highlighted
Champion
Posts: 862
Thanks: 528
Fixes: 1
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released. If you don't read anything else today this one just might make you laugh out loud. Their Ad department sure had a way with words.

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

@TTman 

Oh for...  pfffffff.  😁 👍

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

An old bloke shuffled across the road with his buttocks clenched very tightly.

As he came near to me he said "I bet you thought I've got severe wind don't you?"

To which I replied "Well, yes actually, I did".

And then the old bloke said.. "So did I"   😟

Highlighted
Hero
Posts: 4,483
Thanks: 1,181
Fixes: 24
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …


@TTman wrote:

This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released.


If only...

Post up-ticked as it is very funny, but unfortunately not true .

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
Highlighted
Hero
Posts: 4,561
Thanks: 1,504
Fixes: 44
Registered: ‎24-02-2012

Re: Have you heard the one about …

@198kHz Spoilsport.😉😁

John
Highlighted
Champion
Posts: 862
Thanks: 528
Fixes: 1
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

@198kHz Well at least it kept you busy for a couple of minutes researching it!!!!🤣

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

An immigrant from Poland who was married to an American woman barged into the police station out of breath. “My wife, she try to kill me” he stammered. “Are you absolutely sure?” questioned the police officer. “Of course I sure” he countered insulted “you think I dumb, look what I found in her purse” he said pulling a bottle out of his pocket, “look, it says polish remover!”

/////////////////

 

I've just bought my wife the ideal present, it's what every woman wants. It's a deluxe gas barbeque with an electric rotisserie and separate keep-warm oven, complete with beer glass stand and stereo speakers that you can plug your radio into!

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

An 86 year old bloke staggers into the Doctor's surgery, sits down and says "Doc, I'm really worried about my sex life. I just can't get it on anything like as often as I used to".

"That's not surprising" says the Doc, "but when did you first notice this?".

"Well", says the old chap, "three times last night and twice this morning."

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 4,477
Thanks: 648
Fixes: 11
Registered: ‎05-04-2007

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Well when my dentists reopens and I have to visit her, I hope she won't be saying this to me:

"Look I am not saying you have bad teeth Alex, just that when when you smile into the barcode scanner at Tescos, it picks it up as a set of kitchen knives" 🤣

Highlighted
Rising Star
Posts: 81
Thanks: 71
Fixes: 4
Registered: ‎02-01-2020

Re: Have you heard the one about …

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

 

Wife: "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

Me: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"

Wife: "Yes I promise."

Me: "I've been sleeping with your sister!"

Highlighted
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,293
Thanks: 728
Fixes: 3
Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for £50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the nice folks you can talk." says Bob.

"He's right," says Ollie the Octopus, "I can talk. I can also play any musical instrument."

"True story!" Says Bob the sailor "...but if you wanna test him, you've gotta pay 50 quid a try!"

One fella reaches into his pocket and says "Here's £50, and my harmonica." Ollie plays a long, slow, mournful song that quiets the bar and brings a tear to the eye of everyone with a heart not made of stone. This is truly amazing, especially since octopi are devoid of lips.


Jimmy runs out to his car and grabs his fiddle. He hands it to Ollie with a crisp £50 note. Ollie picks up the fiddle and plays a lively jig that has boots stomping and hands slapping tables. The mood has improved and folks are buying rounds for Ollie and Bob.

Seamus, an old, crusty Scotsman hobbles over to Bob and says "Aye boy, ye plannin' on bein' here for a spell?"

"Sure we are!" say Bob and Ollie in unison.

"Good then. I'll be right back."

And off Seamus goes into the night.

Bob and Ollie have a few more drinks, Ollie plays a few more instruments, and everyone sings a few more songs.

About an hour later, Seamus casts a dark shadow at the tavern door. Clutched under his arm is the most magnificent set of Great Highland Bagpipes you've ever seen. Dark polished wood for the chanter, mouthpiece, and three drones.

The cover was done in rich corduroy, slightly worn from the years of use.

Ollie's eyes widened in suprise.

Seamus gently placed the pipes down on the bar beside Ollie with a wry grin and quietly said "Now m'boy...what're ye gonna do with that!?"


Ollie was speechless. He ran his tentacles over the individual pieces, exploring the instrument. He felt the cloth, the wood, the finger holes. He'd never seen anything like this.

Seamus got louder. "Come ON ye silly cephalopod!" which was strange for Seamus to say, seeing that he only had a very basic education. "What're ye gonna do with this now?!"

Ollie looked as Seamus, and with determination in his eyes he said:

"I'm going to make love to her. Just as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"

Highlighted
Seasoned Pro
Posts: 502
Thanks: 318
Fixes: 1
Registered: ‎27-12-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A Banoffee Pie is 93.68 Peso per slice in the Dominican Republic where as in Costa Rica it's 925.88 Costa Rican Colons. In Puerto Rico you'll pay $1.60 for a slice of Key Lime Pie but in Cuba you'll pay double at $3.20. What is this all about you ask, well :

Spoiler
These are the real Pie Rates of the Caribbean.