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Have you heard the one about …

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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

So was my response, @Mook , but it fell flat (no springs) 😉

John
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

@jab1 

Good job it's the first day of summer today then. No spring!

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

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Hero
Posts: 4,483
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

There's a new term in the golfing community - a 'Cummings'.

 

It's a really long drive that goes way out of bounds, but there's no penalty.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

A man in walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The
man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old geezer wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
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Hero
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Boris Johnson walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Miss, please could you cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.”

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I genuinely don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Johnson?”

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Last week I had dinner with my new Boss and his wife at their house. It was a complete disaster.

His wife was serving the main meal and said "Now then John, how many roast potatoes would you like?"

So I said, "Just one please".

And she said "Come on John, there's no need to be polite".

So I said "OK, I'll just have one, you stupid ugly old bat!"

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

 

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
 

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."


 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
 

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"


The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"


"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.


"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

IMG-20200611-WA0003.jpg

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Men's Helpline.

 

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car adjusting her dress, then she leaned in to the car as if to kiss someone. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

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Registered: ‎04-08-2009

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

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Rising Star
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Watching women’s golf on TV last night.

Same old story;

[-Censored-] at driving, brilliant with an iron….

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone next time, dearie.”

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

 

My new girlfriend & I were travelling to meet my parents when her car got a flat tyre.

I rang mum to tell her that we were going to be late as my girlfriend had a puncture.

She said " oh dear i thought you had a real one this time "

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I bought the wife a pug dog yesterday, despite the squashed nose , bulging eyes and rolls of fat ...the dog seems to like her .

Undertaker "Your mother-in-law has just died, do you want her embalmed, buried or cremated" I said: "Take no chances, give her the lot”.

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ... for the 29th time.