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Have you heard the one about …

Luzern
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Re: Have you heard the one about …


@nozzer wrote:

Who is the most famous ant scientist?  Albert Antstein

What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique

What do you call it when ants run away together? Anteloping

 


@nozzer There's a strong example of evolution; ants anteloping. Funny

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Minivanman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Where's your antenna?

I switched to digital. Cool smiley

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

I was having dinner with my boss, and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Noz?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

The court was absolutely packed. The public gallery was full to the brim. Just as the defence lawyer was giving evidence to the judge, the judge stopped him and said..

"I don't believe a word of it!". He turned to the public gallery and said.. "He says that the defendant thought he was having sex with a ghost. Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?"

A little chap at the back put his hand up and said "me sir, I have".

The judge said to him " what? You are actually telling me that you have had sex with a ghost?"

To which the little chap replied "oh dear, I'm awfully sorry m'lud, I thought you said a goat".

 

@ Mods.  Edit as required and if necessary! Cool

Community Veteran
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

All of a sudden there was a blinding flash and the lights went out, and I heard someone shout..  "NO NO NO NURSE, I SAID REMOVE HIS SPECTACLES!!"

 Ouch Shocked

Minivanman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I've just invented a new word.

Plagiarism. 

Highlighted
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

@Minivanman 

You want to be careful putting that in writing. Someone might copy it! Roll eyes

Moderator's note by Mike (Mav): Full quote of preceding post removed as per Forum rules.
Minivanman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

My grandkids kids laugh at my alzheimers, but they won't be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the bonfire.

Luzern
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

What not to say around midday in the Alps?

"It's time to 'ave our lunch"! Geddit!

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
Luzern
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

There are white ones, There are red ones, and now there's a blue one, And they're all made yucky yucky, and they taste just the same.

Guess what? We're back to cauliflowers!

Wifey had a red one from the farmers' market. I only krew of white. In the cooking water it had turned blue. Cant think why, unless cooking it made it emulate a hydrangea with a change of PH.

 

I hope myinnards  are OK>

No one has to agree with my opinion, but in the time I have left a miracle would be nice.
198kHz
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

"I'd love to hear a musical arrangement of a blackbird's song."

"Orchestral?"

 



No, just a blackbird.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
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Re: Have you heard the one about …


An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic. The beer was excellent. And the food was exceptional.
      "But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
     "Well." said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
     "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman, "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like. When you've had enough to drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
     The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
     "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
      "Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

Minivanman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

Minivanman
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

IMG_20191002_0001_NEW.jpg

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Re: Have you heard the one about …

I was at my desk in the office talking to my sons, while the youngest spoke the eldest distracted himself looking at the books on the shelves. After a minute or so he said "I didn't know you'd written your autobiography?"

I had to admit it was quite funny.