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Have you heard the one about …

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Hero
Posts: 4,321
Thanks: 1,038
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

So it's a solicitor, and the udder one.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Aspiring Champion
Posts: 789
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A sadist and a masochist met in a pub and got talking.

The sadist said 'Lets go back to my place.I have a big collection of whips.

So they went back and the masochist got undressed and said 'Whip me! Whip me ! please'

The sadist said ' NO'     CheesyRoll_eyes

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Hero
Posts: 4,321
Thanks: 1,038
Fixes: 22
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The optimist sees the glass as half full.

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

 

The engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Pro
Posts: 297
Thanks: 198
Registered: ‎10-11-2015

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The "engineer" one I haven't heard before. Reminds me of the quote in the front of "Trustee from the Toolroom" by Nevil Shute.

"An engineer is someone who can do for five bob what any b fool can do for a quid"

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Hero
Posts: 4,321
Thanks: 1,038
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Engineer [noun]: Someone who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those of questionable knowledge .

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Hero
Posts: 4,321
Thanks: 1,038
Fixes: 22
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

How do you know when you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?

 

 

They make you an offer you can't understand.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
Aspiring Legend
Posts: 11,438
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones that discovered snails are edible.

DOUG LARSON.

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Aspiring Champion
Posts: 789
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

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Hero
Posts: 3,095
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Registered: ‎17-05-2013

Re: Have you heard the one about …

That'll probably upset someone.  Roll_eyes

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Aspiring Champion
Posts: 789
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

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Hero
Posts: 4,321
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Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The Queen was hosting a garden party in Scotland.

When the Scottish waiter arrived with a tray of cakes, she asked “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replied “Naw, yer quite right ma'am, that’s a scone.”

Never hit a man with glasses.
Always use something larger and heavier.
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Aspiring Champion
Posts: 789
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Aspiring Legend
Posts: 11,438
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Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Things not to joke about:

Women

Gays

People of colour

People of Girth

Communists

Brexit

Owen Jones

Greta Thurberg

The Queen

Enya

Vegans

Male wombs

Cauliflowers

Female penises

Burqas

Ecosexuatlity

Me Too

The concept of a feminist caliphate.

With thanks in part to @TitaniaMcGrath

Wink

 

 

 

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Aspiring Champion
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Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

@Minivanman  Dont give the mods ideas for bannng!!!!!TongueSmiley

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Moderator
Moderator
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Re: Have you heard the one about …

Don't worry, we're already full of ideasTongue

Forum Moderator and Customer
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
He who feared he would not succeed sat still