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Have you heard the one about …

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,729
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

So it's a solicitor, and the udder one.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
TTman
Pro
Posts: 353
Thanks: 196
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A sadist and a masochist met in a pub and got talking.

The sadist said 'Lets go back to my place.I have a big collection of whips.

So they went back and the masochist got undressed and said 'Whip me! Whip me ! please'

The sadist said ' NO'     CheesyRoll eyes

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,729
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The optimist sees the glass as half full.

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

 

The engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Minesapint
Grafter
Posts: 47
Thanks: 27
Registered: ‎10-11-2015

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The "engineer" one I haven't heard before. Reminds me of the quote in the front of "Trustee from the Toolroom" by Nevil Shute.

"An engineer is someone who can do for five bob what any b fool can do for a quid"

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,729
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Engineer [noun]: Someone who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those of questionable knowledge .

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Highlighted
198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,729
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

How do you know when you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?

 

 

They make you an offer you can't understand.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Minivanman
Seasoned Hero
Posts: 8,638
Thanks: 2,554
Fixes: 1
Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones that discovered snails are edible.

DOUG LARSON.

TTman
Pro
Posts: 353
Thanks: 196
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Travius
Hooked
Posts: 8
Thanks: 4
Registered: 2 weeks ago

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Wife:Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
 
Man:You don’t need make-up, Jane.
 
Wife:Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
 
Man:You need plastic surgery.

RobPN
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 1,962
Thanks: 663
Fixes: 4
Registered: ‎17-05-2013

Re: Have you heard the one about …

That'll probably upset someone.  Roll eyes

TTman
Pro
Posts: 353
Thanks: 196
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

198kHz
Seasoned Champion
Posts: 3,729
Thanks: 630
Fixes: 15
Registered: ‎30-07-2008

Re: Have you heard the one about …

The Queen was hosting a garden party in Scotland.

When the Scottish waiter arrived with a tray of cakes, she asked “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replied “Naw, yer quite right ma'am, that’s a scone.”

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
TTman
Pro
Posts: 353
Thanks: 196
Registered: ‎26-01-2019

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Minivanman
Seasoned Hero
Posts: 8,638
Thanks: 2,554
Fixes: 1
Registered: ‎04-11-2014

Re: Have you heard the one about …

Things not to joke about:

Women

Gays

People of colour

People of Girth

Communists

Brexit

Owen Jones

Greta Thurberg

The Queen

Enya

Vegans

Male wombs

Cauliflowers

Female penises

Burqas

Ecosexuatlity

Me Too

The concept of a feminist caliphate.

With thanks in part to @TitaniaMcGrath

Wink