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Friday funny

mrmarkus1981
Grafter
Posts: 647
Registered: 26-02-2008

Friday funny

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American
> Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges
> were actually taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
> dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
> next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: getting laid
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can I get a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
> male.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I
> sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a
> fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law.
1 REPLY
Community Veteran
Posts: 1,850
Registered: 11-08-2007

Re: Friday funny

seen some of those before, but it's always good to laugh again, especially at the last one. Grin