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Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Community Veteran
Posts: 4,729
Registered: 04-04-2007

Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Maybe you should, these are sentences  typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined,  x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Chilly
11 REPLIES
198kHz
Seasoned Pro
Posts: 3,215
Thanks: 252
Fixes: 7
Registered: 30-07-2008

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Grin Grin VG Chilly. Can you vouch for the source?
Thanks for posting - most amusing one I've seen for a while. 
Not young enough to know everything
jmd
Grafter
Posts: 2,933
Thanks: 2
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Yes, good one Chilly!
Denzil
Grafter
Posts: 1,733
Registered: 31-07-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Thanks, Chilly, that was funny Grin
Moderator
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Posts: 25,754
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Registered: 14-04-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Grin Grin Oh my poor stomach Grin Grin
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Midnight_Caller
Rising Star
Posts: 4,143
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Registered: 15-04-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Strat - Well thats what the NHS is for!
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

No Strat doesnt use proper medicine, he is a duck only uses the Quack Stuff.

Last  year, my Doctor said he wanted me to see a specialist as he couldnt stabilize my blood pressure, I have had a problem with it since the early 90's,  he used his speaking box and the secretary sent a letter to the hospital to make an appointment to see a specialist,  Only thing was, forgot to say what for? Crazy
Moderator
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Registered: 14-04-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

I N C O M I N G Shocked
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jmd
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Posts: 2,933
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Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Pierre -  did you end up seeing the ladies doctor then? or did the hospital work it out telepathically.....................
pierre_pierre
Grafter
Posts: 19,757
Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

I knew the Doctors name when the appointment came, but had now idea what he specialized in,  Got to the clinic and found that he was Medical in the Diabetes field, it was he who showed me the letter to the Hospital - he did sort out my blood pressure though
Community Veteran
Posts: 1,850
Registered: 11-08-2007

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Quote
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

OUCH!
comes of audio-typing from poor diction on the part of the doctor dictating the notes.
johpal
Grafter
Posts: 550
Registered: 20-04-2008

Re: Do you ever worry about the NHS?

Quote
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Reminds me when I was a student in the NHS (it used to be a fun place). The x-ray department had a surplus of strawberry flavoured barium, used to delineate the gastro-intestinal tract. It was decided to use it for enemas too. An anxious lady asked the radiologist "How do you know when to stop putting barium in?" The sardonic reply was, "Just let me know when you can taste strawberries".  Lips are sealed