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Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Community Veteran
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Registered: 06-11-2007

Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Just received this from " a reliable source " .... Just outside Bournemouth.....
Quote

>                                                                                                        Press release:

                                                                                                      New British Destroyers 


    The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.  Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.  Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.  The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.  The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.  Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone’s getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

>  The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.  Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.  All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.  Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.  The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" -- so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.  The lash will still be available on request.  Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello, Sailor".  All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.  Crewmembers will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.  This applies equally to female crew.  The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.  The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.  She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.  Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.  The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels..."

His final words were                                                            " Britannia waives the rules "


Well... how times have changed since I were a lad ! ! ! ! ...  Cheesy
5 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,253
Thanks: 940
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Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Not me Guv  Grin
Community Veteran
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Registered: 20-10-2012

Re: Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Now that is a cracker!  Grin Grin Grin
Geoff,
York.
TORPC
Grafter
Posts: 5,163
Registered: 08-12-2013

Re: Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Now that is one way to waiver the the original names Cheesy
Community Veteran
Posts: 13,929
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Registered: 01-08-2007

Re: Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

The article forgot to mention that there would also be a benefits office and asylum office on each ship  Grin
I need a new signature... i'm bored of the old one!
Stranger
Grafter
Posts: 60
Registered: 09-05-2014

Re: Britain`s New Navy..... Press Release.....

Too much could so easily be true with the state of the country these days ........... blooming funny though  Grin