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Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

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Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

Daily Express:
Bob Monkhouse One Liners

His memory was prodigious and over a career that spanned more than 50 years until his death in 2003 he compiled thousands of jokes, odd facts and ideas that he jotted down by hand in 12 ring-bound volumes, which he took everywhere. 
People always say: “You’re a comedian, tell us a joke.” 
They don’t say: “You’re a politician, tell us a lie.” 
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
What’s a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.
A guy broke into my house. He didn’t take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives past, changing the channels.
During sex the three words you want to hear are "I love you”. The three words you don’t want to hear are “Darling, I’m home!”
I went to a bookshop and asked the saleswoman: “Where’s the self-help section?” She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... They’re not laughing now.
Referring to his first appearance on TV, aged 19: No one watched, not even the cameraman. 
I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75 so it’s no distance.
I wouldn’t say my missus is a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
I had a job selling hearing aids door-to-door. It wasn’t easy work because your best prospects never answered.
I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.
On Cilla Black’s singing, pictured: “It’s labour pains set to music.” [said on Room 101, 1994]
I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: “Take me to the canaries.”
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
I would never be unfaithful to my wife for the simple reason that I love my house very much.
How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
My father was ruined by hard drink – he sat on an icicle.
I’m a cultured man. I go to the Royal Opera House. But they don’t like you singing along, do they?
On receiving an OBE from the Queen: “It was a disaster. I never thought she’d trip and fall like that.”
My wife said: “Can my mother come down for the weekend?” So I said: “Why?” And she said: “Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.”
What do gardeners do when they retire?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
I’ve been away for six weeks on tour and I was feeling fruity so I phoned my wife from Heathrow. I said, “I’ve been thinking about the last time we made love and getting excited.” She said: “Ooh… Who is this?”
I live in a very nice, old-fashioned village. They don’t go in for porn. Once a week someone volunteers to keep their curtains open.
On his own illness: I saw a specialist who asked me: “Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?” I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
Personally I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?
Like many comedians I had an unloved childhood. My parents played cruel tricks on me. Once they told me the tooth fairy sometimes got drunk and took an eye.
I’ve never been lucky with the ladies although I once met a feminist prostitute who insisted on paying half.
I went to Africa and was told that the missionaries there wore underpants made of nickel so that if the natives threw spears at them they’d bounce off. They were known as the nickel-a**e parsons.
I once had an affair with a female ventriloquist. It was really weird. When we were in bed the wardrobe was groaning.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.
5 REPLIES
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Re: Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

Saw him on tv a few times and thought he was rubbish, on a holiday to Butlins we went to a late night show when Bob Monkhouse was on and he was excellent, his ability to ask the audience for a word or subject and in seconds tell a short joke about it was amazing.
If you are in to one liners go and see Ken Dodd but be prepared for a long show.
Jokes about tax inspectors are his speciality.
PowerLee
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Re: Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

Have a look on YouTube for Bob Monkhouse - Midnight Cabaret at Butlins Barry Island 1985  Grin
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Re: Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

Quote from: PlusComUK
Daily Express:
Bob Monkhouse One Liners

His memory was prodigious and over a career that spanned more than 50 years until his death in 2003

I wondered what happened to him - I don't recall ever hearing about his death on the news. A sad loss!
I need a new signature... i'm bored of the old one!
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Re: Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

I didn't much like him as a TV game show presenter a bit too smarmy and fond of himself.
However, I had the pleasure of seeing him as a stand up comedian in one man shows a number of times, when he was absolutely brilliant, no one to touch him for his sense of timing and endless supply of gags, side splitting from start to finish.
Experience; is something you gain, just after you needed it most.

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Re: Bob Monkhouse.... one liners

Quote from: Petlew
I didn't much like him as a TV game show presenter a bit too smarmy and fond of himself
That's just how my parents described him. I thought he was good in Family Fortunes and $64,000 Question. I've not seen his stand up shows live but have seen them on video. Extremely funny Grin Grin
He was in a few films but he didn't quite seem right in them. He also did one of the voices in the 1966 Thunderbirds Are Go.

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