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Actual Signs Seen In England

Midnight_Caller
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Registered: 15-04-2007

Actual Signs Seen In England

Sign in a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Outside a farm:
Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself.
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven.  Enter ye all by this door.  (This door is kept locked because of the draft.  Please use side door.)
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening.  It will remain closed after being opened. open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing.  No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town.  Everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. any person passing this point will be drowned.  By order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.  Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything.  (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! i shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. please use floor below.
 
Quote
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

I have seen this one in a Council Office on a leaflet.
This Joke and many more Jokes are available on my forum Here
33 REPLIES
Community Veteran
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Registered: 08-10-2010

Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

very good.
On a slightly different note, there was an opticians next door to a cafe in Ipswich. The opticians was called C N EATWELL. Not hilarious but amusing.
In cambridge, a bed and mattress shop had several window signs... one proclaiming..Quality DownGrin
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

A few from around the world:
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From Church bulletins:
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

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Javert
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Registered: 06-04-2008

Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

A local jeweller had a sign in their shop window “Ear Piercing while you wait”. 
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

Thursday's Clairvoyants meeting cancelled to to unforeseen circumstances.
It was the first meeting of the local pyromaniac's support group and attendees were nervous.
But everyone got on like a house on fire.
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

"Due to illness, the electrician is on light duty"
nadger
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

One I used to like when driving down the A3 past Guildford  Smiley
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

My favourite chippy in Sheffield is called 'A salt and Battered' However there is a vegemetarian restaurant just down the road called "Kumkwat Mae" lol.
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

At a Music Store in Nottingham, UK :
Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
In a restaurant in Norfolk, Virginia, USA:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear - Mark Twain
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Denzil
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Registered: 31-07-2007

Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

Outside a pub/restaurant down the road from here,
Pensioners Wed  Half Price
198kHz
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

Seen at our local recycling centre -
Not young enough to know everything
pierre_pierre
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

Midnight_Caller
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

@4C, I have some Questions:
Quote
No No No Polystyrene or Rubbish In This Skip

Huh  Sow where does the Rubbish go?  On the Floor maby?
Quote
If You Can't Read This Sign Please get The Site Attendent To Read It For You!!!

Huh  So how is some one who can not Read know it sais get The Site Attendent To Read It For You, That is nuts.
198kHz
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Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

The sign was adjacent to the skip designated for cardboard. Presumably too many people had been depositing the wrong kind of rubbish in it.
It's nuts, of course - just like the one you quoted in the OP -
Quote from: Midnight
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Not young enough to know everything
Midnight_Caller
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Posts: 4,143
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Registered: 15-04-2007

Re: Actual Signs Seen In England

Thanks