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A Nautical Tale

Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

A Nautical Tale

A light hearted tale from the past Smiley Smiley

Nelson: "Order the  signal, Hardy." 
Hardy: "Aye,  aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on,  that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the  meaning of  this?" Hardy: "Sorry  sir?"
Nelson (reading  aloud): "'England expects every person to  do his or her  duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,  religious persuasion or  disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy:  "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an  equal opportunities  employer now. We had the devil's own job  getting 'England'  past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks,  Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry  sir. All naval vessels have now been designated  smoke- free  working environments."
Nelson: "In that  case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the  mainbrace to  steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum  ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of  the Government's  policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good  heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with  it .  full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think  you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in  this  stretch of  water."
Nelson: "Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in  history. We  must advance with all dispatch. Report from the  crow's nest  please."
Hardy: "That  won't be possible, sir."
Nelson:  "What?"
Hardy: "Health  and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.  No harness, and  they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.  They won't let  anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be  erected."
Nelson: "Then get me  the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's  busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the  fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair  access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health  and safety again, sir. We have to provide a  barrier- free  environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently  abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to  hear mention of the word. I am not a raspberry Hardy! I didn't rise to the rank  of admiral by  playing the disability card.
Hardy:  "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under  represented  in  the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever  next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A  couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety  won't let  the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't  want anyone  breath ing in too much salt - haven't you seen the  adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never  heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell  the  men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men  are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This  is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's  not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of  being charged with  murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple  of legal-aid  lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are  we to sink the Frogs and the Spanish?"
Hardy:  "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're  not?"
Hardy: "No,  sir. The French and the Spanish are our European  partners now.  According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even  be in  this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim  for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must  hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I  wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear  you saying that  sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must  consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your  King." Hardy: "Not any  more, sir. We must be inclusive in this  multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save  your life, oh and a reflective jacket as the weather may be turning."
Nelson: "Don't tell  me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,  sodomy and the  lash?"
Hardy: As I  explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban  on corporal  punishment."
Nelson: "What about  sodomy?"
Hardy: "I  believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that  case.................get the steward to bring me a pint of creme de menthe with a cherry and.............. kiss me, Hardy   
11 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 3,486
Registered: 02-10-2008

Re: A Nautical Tale

LIked it thanks artmo  Smiley
We should all be grateful we don't work in the era of Nelsons Navy - truely horrific treatment of sailors.
I've just watched the Warship series - featuring HMS Illustrious and they featured several femail sailors .
Rather different from my days in the Navy...............

How about this one:
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

Yes another good one.  We need to laugh in these times I guess Smiley
Community Veteran
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Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

Moderator
Moderator
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Re: A Nautical Tale

There's always one that has to spoil the fun Roll eyes Tongue
Will Moderate For Thanks
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
Thanks: 937
Fixes: 56
Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

Isn't that what old moderators are for  Lips are sealed Roll eyes Cool
Moderator
Moderator
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Registered: 11-01-2008

Re: A Nautical Tale

No that's unmentionable Lips are sealed  Wink
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jmd
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Registered: 30-07-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

It is not just moderators that spoil the fun. Tongue
Both those stories have done the email rounds several times in last couple of years and I think I have read them on here before too!! Crazy
Community Veteran
Posts: 18,545
Thanks: 191
Registered: 12-08-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

You're allowed a second laugh if you think they're funny Roll eyes
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 17,251
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Registered: 11-01-2008

Re: A Nautical Tale

Indeed and I do like the Nelson sketch  Smiley
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Community Veteran
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Registered: 24-09-2008

Re: A Nautical Tale

Nice one Artmo
Version I heard,
Nelson had just been shot and was breathing his ‘last’ and was being held by Hardy, Nelson spied a flag message from the French Admiral, who understood the British Custom of Burial at Sea.
Nelson ask Hardy to read the French Admiral’s message.
Hardy translated “To the water, it is the hour”
(translates as........... à l'eau, c'est l'heure)
Where as it didn't actually need translation
Community Veteran
Posts: 38,251
Thanks: 937
Fixes: 56
Registered: 15-06-2007

Re: A Nautical Tale

A bit like one my French Teacher asked us to translate
Pas d'elle yeux en que nous