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You Might Be In EMS If...

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You Might Be In EMS If...

You Might Be In EMS If...

* You find humor in other people's stupidity...
* You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
* Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
* Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
* You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
* You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
* Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
* You believe chocolate is a food group...
* You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
* You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
* You have the bladder capacity of five people...
* You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
* Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
* You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
* You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt...
* You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
* You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
* You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: (choose one )
o migraine
o lower back pain
o chronic myalgia

and
o a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol)
o the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
* Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...
* You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
* You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
* You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"...
* You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
* You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs with red wine or pizza with beer, while performing gastric lavage...
* You believe that "Ask-a-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
* You believe that having an ambulance at a "Health Fair" was his next idea...
* You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
* You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm...
* You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day...