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TITTER YE NOT ( no i didn't like frankie howard either )

Posts: 450
Registered: 06-08-2007

TITTER YE NOT ( no i didn't like frankie howard either )

SMILE with a few witty remarks: All borrowed, some 'blue', most old and none NEW!

1.) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

Cool "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize,
Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

1Cool "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress ... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was
--Unknown, presumed deceased