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Some SERIOUS Groaners

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Some SERIOUS Groaners

Dont shoot me, am just the messenger

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
He said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
8 REPLIES
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Some SERIOUS Groaners

Excellent! Proof indeed that clean jokes are the funniest! :lol: :lol: :lol:
vic_newey
Grafter
Posts: 802
Thanks: 2
Registered: 30-07-2007

Some SERIOUS Groaners

Smiley Smiley :lol:
shellsong
Grafter
Posts: 2,191
Registered: 03-08-2007

Some SERIOUS Groaners

:lol: Been reading the Tommy Cooper joke book have you? :lol: :lol:
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Some SERIOUS Groaners

NUP....just leeching off other forums....hell I aint the sadsack...just the sad git who passes them on!!
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Re: Some SERIOUS Groaners

Thanks for the "Jokes"
I was ready to give retribution to the founders of Plusnet for the appauling customer service...........but if you let me have your home address I will gladly make you a priority case

[Moderator's note by James - (sallyandjames): Full quote of original post removed as it was unneccessary.]
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Some SERIOUS Groaners

when someone actually quotes the ENTIRE post for no reason, then I think the retribution needs to be directed at them Wink
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Some SERIOUS Groaners

Quote
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Most true saboteurs would prefer this as it is more humane than the hunt itself.

I personally think we should introduce wolves back in to the wild so that the foxes have a natural predator and the numbers are kept in check.

But I like wolves Wink
Community Veteran
Posts: 14,133
Thanks: 563
Fixes: 9
Registered: 01-08-2007

Some SERIOUS Groaners

Here's a small contribution:
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism,
it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

I you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the Lan down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Incase no-one has heard this one before:
Quote

"A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.



"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I need a new signature... i'm bored of the old one!