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Groaner

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Groaner

The Date

From: Mr David Culbreath

Long ago, there was a small town with a big problem. Almost all of
the inhabitants were men.

In fact, there was only one "eligible" woman in the entire town. And
so it happened that all of the men lined up to arrange dates with
Elizabeth.

After the first few men went out with her, it became no secret that
Elizabeth was less than desirable. She ate with her mouth open,
always ordered the most expensive meal, made crude jokes about her
companion, and rarely bathed.

A man who had spent an evening with Elizabeth had a distinctive look
to him. He would have an ashen complexion, sunken eyes that stared
straight ahead, uncomprehending, and he would have a tendency to
shudder from time to time.

It became commonplace for the town folk, upon encountering such a
person, to remark "You look like you've just had a date with Beth!"

And then one day everything changed; Norma moved into town.

The menfolk all fell to their knees, offering praise to the deity of
their choice, and flocked to Norma's door to seek an evening with her.

Chester, the town's most eligible bachelor, was the first to be
granted an evening with Norma.

The evening was a disaster.

Norma, like Elizabeth, ate with her mouth open, but had far fewer
teeth.

That was, perhaps, one of her more graceful attributes. She didn't
use a knife or fork. In fact, she didn't even use her hands. She ate
with her feet. And she liked to toss her food about the room, all the
while spouting vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

And the rude noises...

Well, suffice it to say that a description would violate the norms
of acceptable discourse.

Chester barely got through the meal, and gratefully deposited Norma
at her home.

As he made his way back to town, he encountered many of his friends,
all of whom were curious about his evening.

As he got closer, however, they all saw the unmistakable signs - the
ashen pallor, the halting gait.

One of them approached Chester, put a hand on his shoulder, and said
"Jeez, Chester, you look like you've had a date with..."

"No, my friend," Chester interrupted, "This was a date far worse
than Beth.