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For Those that play BF2

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For Those that play BF2

This is long, but well worth the read, and if you play BF2, you will no doubt recognise all these situations...


Quote
Always Punish Team Kills! - This is the primary goal of Battlefield 2; to punish your teammates as much as possible and as frequently as possible! Unleash your unbridled nerd rage to lash out upon all that surround you, taking out years of aggression on digital representations of those who beat you up in junior high school and forced you to drink roofing tar. Did a teammate somehow kill you after your character ran directly in front of his jeep, giving him absolutely no chance to stop or avoid you? Punish them! Did you decide to hold a breakdancing jamboree on top of a minefield, one where you're the guest of honor? Make them pay! You're untouchable online, and every punishment for a team kill gets you one step closer to defeating the ghosts of Billy Reynolds, the football player who caught and made fun of you in the locker room for masturbating to an erotic drawing of Garfield. Be sure to always punish for team kills if you play on the American side, as our country is known far and wide for its citizens blaming others for their own unbridled idiocy.

Mine Entire Areas! - As an engineer, it's your primary job to make sure every human being on the planet steps on your land mines. The best and easiest way to accomplish this is by placing them all over every entrance and exit surrounding your flag. The professional BF2 engineer will be so adept at laying mines that not a single molecule of digital oxygen will be able to escape from your base. Watch in sheer joy and satisfaction as your teammates curse at you in jealousy, damning your incredible skill at laying so many mines that nobody can leave your base! Place mines on friendly vehicles, preferably as they're driven! Dump mines all over spawn points! Unload them on helicopter landing pads and jet runways! Shove them up your ass and shit them all over the faces of those who have wronged you! A well placed land mine could tip the scales of electronic warfare in your favor, making you a digital hero to all your teammates afraid to move any direction at all. This is the ultimate form of defense and security.

Revive Fallen Teammates In the Middle of Firefights! - Medics are equipped with the awesome power of revival, resuscitating teammates from the dead. As many BF2 games have proven, the primary cause of death is by being killed, so hang out in an area where a bunch of people are being shot by opposing troops. Then, while gunfire constantly erupts around you from the surrounding enemy team, sweep in like an angel of mercy and revive as many comrades as possible! It doesn't matter if there's absolutely no chance of anybody escaping the firefight alive once you awaken them to the land of the living, the whole goal is to simply revive them! After that, they're on their own; it's not like it's your job to keep them from dying! If you're feeling particularly generous, maybe you can scatter some medikits all over the ground so when they instantly die, their corpses can kind of pose with them and it will look cute.

Always Play As a Sniper! - The sniper is singlehandedly the most awesome and useful class in the universe. I mean, they have sniper rifles, for crying out loud! SNIPER RIFLES! Some of the most successful BF2 teams were composed entirely of snipers, sharpshooting enemies from hundreds of meters away and snuffing out souls like a rogue Twinkie lobbed into your damp, subterranean computer lair. Many squad leaders will often request large amounts of snipers to join their team since the core of any useful squad is a sniper ready and willing to sit in one single location for 30 minutes, shooting at tanks and calling for supplies while refusing to move for any reason short of an air strike directly on their head. Never underestimate the monumental contributions a sniper can lend to any squad that really likes crouching in one location for days and missing virtually everything they aim for.

Pilot Transport Helicopters Without Any Passengers! - As everybody knows, flying is a dangerous job, one which only the most trained sniper can accomplish! Do not risk other teammates to the perils of being shot down in a fiery explosion; get in transport choppers and leave your base without anybody on board! The weight of additional passengers will simply slow you down and make you an easier target for anti-aircraft stations and enemy jets, so do your team a favor and fly everywhere solo. After all, transport helicopters weren't created to actually transport anything. They were originally designed as very large and inefficient paperweights.

Don't Bother to Practice Flying! - Piloting helicopters and jets are one of those things that are best learned during online games with other players. Don't worry if you've never flown one before, and you lost your BF2 instruction manual, and you have no computer monitor, and instead of hands you have bulbous, sweaty claws that flail out uncontrollably at random objects surrounding you. Just hop on in and hope for the best! If you're really unsure how to fly, like you experience extreme difficulty when attempting to determine which direction is "up" and which direction is "the bathroom," request other teammates to hop in and fly with you. They'll offer tomes of useful advice and will gladly take over the controls after you've flown so badly that you've somehow ended up in a completely different game altogether.

Place Hundreds of Exciting Clan Letters In Your Name! - Clans are awesome, they're like online gangs of tough guys and the token 40-year old suspicious man with a wife and kids who plays solely to escape the harsh and bitter reality of his own failed life. All the good players are in clans! You ain't shit until you've joined a clan and put their magical initials both before and after your name, right after attending a two hour IRC clan meeting regarding the best positions for a sniper on the "Strike at Karkand" map. Ideally, you can put their letters in the middle of your name as well, so if you joined clan "Bad Azz Killaz," and your online name is "Flapjacks," your BF2 name would appear as "-=BaK=- Flap{[BaK]}Jacks //BaK\." If only there was some way to insert animated gifs of spinning skulls and tiny explosions into your name... life would be perfect!

Put Screenshots of BF2 Into Your Server Graphic! - If you're lucky enough to run a dedicated BF2 server on your mom's cable modem, you should take advantage of the feature that allows you to place custom images in the server graphic. You can put anything in the slot, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should put anything there. No, this space is dedicated for pictures of BF2 screenshots with floating Photoshopped letters hovering above them like fruit flies over a diseased orchard. Look in your BF2 screenshot directory, which should be hundreds of thousands of megabytes, and select the coolest, most awesome image of guys walking forward with guns. Cut it out, add the name of your server above (something equally awesome like "THE FRAG DOME" or "MEGAKILL 2000 ULTRA DEATH"), and then maybe throw in a few hundred bevels and lens flares. If you're feeling particularly saucy, add a server message explaining how you'll kick anybody if they're not a member of your clan or if they use bad language or if they team kill or if they spawn camp or move without permission or have at least one vowel in their name. Ideally the server graphic image should have a tank in the background, although an attack helicopter is acceptible as well. After all, how would people know they're playing Battlefield 2 if you didn't show them pictures of the game on the server screen?

Play Aggressively As Commander! - The only difference between a commander and non-commander is that big-ass honking star that shows up to represent you on the minimap. If you're lucky enough to be elected as a commander, play as you normally would. After all, this promotion to such a high rank doesn't mean you should act any differently than the 500 other snipers on your team. Get in jeeps and try to capture enemy flags! Rush into firefights and be the hero! Fly jets and bomb enemy camps! Nobody likes or respects a commander who hides and issues orders while organizing squads and devising battle strategies. If somebody votes to kick you from your commanding position, keep in mind the only reason they're doing so is because they've been driven insane with jealousy thanks to your ace leadership and ability to throw hand grenades at passing planes. Punish them for being such sadsack spoilsports by tracking them down and surrounding them with land mines. Not in the game, in real life.

Drop Artillery Strikes Everywhere at Any Time!
- Besides the awesome star, commanders get the power to launch artillery strikes anywhere they please. Don't feel afraid to use this under any circumstances! Did you just receive notice an enemy soldier was spotted in your main base? Drop an artillery strike on it! Do you suspect an opposing support soldier dropped a valuable ammunition pack somewhere in the middle of the ocean? Launch a strike on the area just in case somebody's swimming out there to retrieve it! Don't bother warning anybody because there may be spies on your team who will instantly call up members of the opposing team and tell them, possibly costing you valuable points. This is grounds for a lawsuit.

Never Join a Squad! - Squads are composed groups of people who are so untalented and crummy at BF2 that they need help to simply survive. You are not like that! You're a one man army! You're a soldier capable of killing people so brutally that they will respawn in a game of Battlefield 1942. You know the map and your enemies better than any commander or squad leader possibly can, so go lone wolf and rack up points like a crazed jackal! If somebody makes the horrible mistake of asking you to join their squad, hit the "negative" message about 50 times, as fast as you can. This will let everybody on the server know you're so amazingly skilled that you actually turn down offers to join squads who need your valuable help to prevent them from dying like blind hogs. If you decide to create your own squad, name it something descriptive like "TEAM AWESUM" or "SNIPERZZZZ" and don't invite anybody unless they pass a 30-page written exam covering the exhaustive history of "Cho Bits."

Never Let Your Gunners Take Out Anti-Air Emplacements! - If some sneaky bastard somehow creeps into your transport helicopter before you have a chance to fly away, be sure to constantly rotate the chopper around in circles so they have absolutely no way to take out the many anti-aircraft tripods on the ground. In fact, spin the helicopter around so quickly that they can't hit anything besides enemy cold air currents. This will show the rest of your team what a skilled pilot you are, how you don't need useless things like gunners to help you capture flags. Rumor has it if you rotate in circles fast enough, you'll create a deadly tornado that will suck up enemies and spit them out like watermelon seeds! Wait, maybe that's just a Warcraft 3 spell.

Randomly Bail Out of Aircraft and Vehicles With No Warning! - As a driver or pilot, it's your job to simply get from point A to point B, wherever those two places may exist in your amazing screwed up brain. You have no responsibility to inform anybody else when you're about to leave! I mean, you didn't ask them to enter your vehicle, unless of course you did, in which case you were just joking. Bailing out of a full transport helicopter without letting anybody know in advance is often a fun and exciting way to "spice up" any game. Try to aim your chopper in the direction of a mountain or an ocean before you jump out, just to ensure you don't accidentally hit something of importance, like a mother nursing her baby or a friendly elf.

Step On Land Mines!
- When driving a jeep at the fastest possible speed, you may notice a big red skull and crossbones icon appearing on the right of your screen. This means that a witch is chasing you and you've got to get out of there as soon as possible or else she'll throw her level 34 skeleton at you! Look for a small, round, black teleporter which will magically whisk you away to a beautiful new location, usually about 40 meters straight up. If one of your teammates decides to kill you while traveling there, be sure to punish them, because it's not your goddamn fault a witch was chasing you and you tried to escape. War is hell, soldier!

If Somebody Is Using a Ground Vehicle's Gun, Get In and Drive It Away! - Some vehicles, such as jeeps and vans, have mounted cannons on top to scare away enemy birds. If you see a stationary vehicle, one where somebody is manning the top gun and shooting at some indeterminate location, feel free to jump right in and drive it away! I mean, obviously the guy was just sitting around like a useless dreg and waiting for an experienced driver to take him somewhere, anywhere! How else can you possibly explain somebody sitting inside a vehicle and not driving it? If the person manning the machine gun has placed land mines directly in front of the vehicle and even says "please do not get in, I'm using the gun to defend the flag," just ignore him, hop into the driver's seat, then drive right over the land mines, killing you both! Then punish for a team kill because you're a stupid fucking reject of the human race who deserves to have hot metal skewers jabbed into your eye sockets while a homeless man slices open your stomach and shoves pieces of broken glass and rusty bicycle gears into you. Not that I'm still mad.

Constantly Vote to Change the Map to "Strike at Karkand" - This is singlehandedly the greatest map in the history of anything. The game developers should've released Battlefield 2 with only this map, and named the game "Battlefield Karkand." There's absolutely no reason to play any other map, unless of course you have some brain disorder which prevents you from making well informed decisions. Strike at Karkand has everything; tanks, buildings, jeeps, trash dumpsters, and a train. A GODDAMN TRAIN!!! Plus there are plenty of rooftops for snipers to climb and perch on for countless hours, until mom gets home and starts complaining about the bathroom being on fire.

Constantly Vote to Ban Anybody Who Offends You! - Did somebody get into a tank before you could? Vote to ban them! Are you tired of getting killed by the same person? Vote to ban them! Does somebody on the server have a name which offends your delicate fundamentalist Baptist sensibilities? Vote to ban them! The solution to every problem imaginable lies in banning it; after all it worked with drug and gun control, right? Make sure to support your petition to ban a player by typing in random gibberish in some sort of alien pseudo-language invented by Norse gods, such as "plz ban cRazZYKilLaH hes stepn on t ah zz ahdn bugz 35fww3sw guff tank :-(." It doesn't matter if it makes no sense, your team mates will undoubtedly understand the core message and will kick that jerk off the server for good. Then you'll only have x-1 players left to vote off the server until you're the only one left, and you can spend the rest of the night punishing yourself for team kills!

Constantly Vote to Remove Your Commander! - So you can't hit a stationary target three meters in front of you, you can't successfully get in a jeep without the help of a third party, and you primarily use your keyboard to remove deer ticks from your back? It's all your commander's fault! Anything bad that ever happens you can be directly traced back to the shortcomings of your commander, including your inability to join a squad or approach a woman without shouting Internet acronyms. The only practical solution lies in the mutiny of your commander. Don't worry if you never plan on replacing him, teams don't need a commander! They just need about eight billion snipers and some guy to bunny hop around like an idiot, dropping ammo packs everywhere. If your screen doesn't show either a vote for mutiny or a vote to ban somebody or a vote to play "Strike at Karkand" message hovering on the bottom, you're obviously not playing BF2.

Don't Ever Join a Non-Ranked Server! - The main goal in life is to have more points than a bunch of faceless 12-year olds on the Internet. How else would people know you're superior to them in virtually every way if there wasn't a giant scoreboard with some numbers to inform them? Refuse to ever play a single game on a non-ranked server, as those points are not officially recorded and therefore are completely worthless and a waste of your time. You know, as opposed to the crucial status symbol a four-digit number on a webserver somewhere represents. Badges are equally important because rumor has it if you get them all, the Army will call you and ask them to personally lead them in the next major world war. You'll get to be a sniper!

If You See Somebody Repairing a Vehicle, Feel Free to Take It! - They're simply preparing it for you, like a Christmas present! All your teammates want to be sure you drive only the finest and most physically acceptable vehicles. If you really want to show your gratitude, use the vehicle to run them over and then spam the "sorry" message approximately 400 times in the hope they won't punish you for a team kill. Then drive the vehicle straight into a large body of water or off a cliff while honking the horn like a retarded burn victim. Of course the chances of somebody on a public server not punishing you for a team kill are like one hundred billion infinity to -10, so remember to get really angry at them and inform them they're "spic nigger wop chink fags" when the inevitable occurs. This helpfully lets them know they are spic nigger wop chink fags.

That Jet is Your Jet! - Battlefield 2 comes with an advanced, technologically breathtaking feature which allows players to virtually "claim" a vehicle they want. You accomplish this by saying "GET OUT OF MY PLANE YOU FUCKER" repeatedly when somebody boards a jet you really want to pilot. You can claim any vehicle you want, but there's really no point in reserving any vehicle besides the jet or attack chopper because, really, those two are so awesome and you look like a real badass when you're flying them at 800 miles an hour into the side of a mountain while typing in racial slurs and trying to punish people for team kills they haven't committed quite yet.

Employ Complex, Advanced Blackhawk Flag Capture Strategies! - Learn to take advantage of the impressive battle tactic known as "flag skipping," where you fly a transport chopper from one flag to the next, capturing them and instantly moving to the next. Don't bother shooting any targets you might see on the ground or following any orders that your squad leader issues; that will just slow you down! If you're piloting as a squad leader, ignore all orders the commander issues, because he's an idiot and has no idea how to play. The goal of BF2 is to take as many capture points as possible while avoiding any form of teamwork, so how could there possibly be anything wrong with flag skipping? It's a great, quick way to rack up points, and as everybody knows, the only reason we were all put on the planet Earth was to earn the most points in Battlefield 2. When your team loses by 100 tickets, you can triumphantly gloat in the fact that you earned more points than God himself. Also, if you're piloting the chopper, make sure to choose the sniper class because they're the best pilots (they have hay and shit glued to their faces).

The Spec Ops Class is Awesome! - As a spec ops soldier, you get the ultimate weapon: C4! Place these little bundles of joy on every single object you can find, such as team vehicles or anti-aircraft emplacements or flags or chairs or other mounds of C4 that all the other spec ops people dumped together to build a shrine memorializing Jim Varney. You can best serve your team by loading your jeep with C4 and driving it directly into an enemy flag. You really never end up killing anybody, but oh boy, it's really intimidating and the psychological damage to the enemy team is utterly priceless. Many people have actually quit and uninstalled Battlefield 2 after being exposed to such a violent, horrific attack! These people are now in mental institutions. Also, when you play as spec ops, you get a red hat which alone makes it worthwhile.

Be Painfully White and Have Your Genitals Lodged In Your Throat! - This only applies to people using the microphone battle communicator. Don't ever say anything useful on the voice com, just suddenly screech comments like "OH SHIT DUDE!" and then never ever explain what exactly you were referencing. Add a little variety to your online performance by shouting things along the lines of "no... watch out for... yeah, there you go" and then follow it up with "no, don't go there, that thing... it's there, go... yeah, no, okay." Don't worry about your microphone being too close to your mouth; people love distortion. That's why heavy metal is so popular.

Intentionally Run Into Your Own Team's Artillery Strikes! - Catch them like snowflakes on your tongue, then punish for a team kill when the snowflakes blow you to hell. If you're really talented, you can step on a teammate's land mine the exact instant the artillery kills you. Perhaps a future patch for BF2 will allow you to punish multiple people for team kills! Also maybe somebody will make a game where you just login and repeatedly press a button to punish other people and you try to obtain the least negative score.

Small Arms Fire Will Eventually Destroy Any Tank! - If you spot an enemy (or friendly) tank, and you lack any explosive devices to take it out, just crouch and shoot your pistol at it until the driver gives up and commits suicide. If you aim at its gas tank, it will instantly explode in a huge fireball, just like in that Michael Bay movie about the virgin clones who pilot flying motorcycles.
4 REPLIES
LiamM
Grafter
Posts: 5,636
Registered: 12-08-2007

For Those that play BF2

Hehe, I can't count the number of "Censored"'s in that on both my hands!
Community Veteran
Posts: 5,877
Thanks: 1
Registered: 05-04-2007

For Those that play BF2

Why not? Are you missing your thumbs? I make it 9! :lol:
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For Those that play BF2

yeah, I just copied n pasted it, adding the bold bits in, I knew the censor would kill any swear words
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For Those that play BF2

After playing it on a few servers the other nite I can so relate to those points. You'd hardly believe people were supposed to be fighting one team against the other at some points - it was like an old style quake deathmatch session.

I've done the honourable thing and cut & pasted Smiley