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Posts: 1,634
Registered: 15-06-2007


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw
on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you
been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I
can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and
we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and
said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!”

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally
got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine
months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his
new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest
child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was
no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled
sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest
private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the
mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took
it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him
with talcum powder. "Don't move until i tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband
inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it
so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue,
not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning,
the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to
the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?”
exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a
fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to
real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the
bartender replied. "Four Cents?” exclaimed the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my
wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The
bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he
whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was
insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I
must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one"
whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."