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A funny for Friday!

chrisco
Grafter
Posts: 314
Registered: 31-07-2007

A funny for Friday!

Just a little something to round off the week! (This is my favourite part of the forums - not full of doom, gloom & gripes like some)Cheesy

Chris


**FROM THE NEWSPAPERS **
1)Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
> > was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
> >
> > 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> > because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
> > vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
> > (The Guardian)
> >
> > 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable
> > teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard
> > spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
> > (The Times)
> >

> > 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
> > and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
> > but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
> > had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening
> > Express)
> >
> > 6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
> > audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
> > sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
> > 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
> > when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February
> > 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
> >
> > **A list of actual announcements that ****London**** Tube train
> > drivers have made to their passengers... **
> >
> > 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
> > service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
> > happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
> > cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
> >
> > 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
> > suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
> > backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm
> > given any."
> >
> > 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
> > is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
> > great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
> > between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
> > our destination."
> >
> > 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
> > security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
> > for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
> > some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging
> > on a wall.....'."
> >
> > 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
> > Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
> > told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
> > things like that".
> >
> > 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
> > these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please
> > give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
> >
> > 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> > announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the
> > sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not
> > provided."
> >
> > 8 "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on
> > then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
> > home...."
> >
> > 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
> > 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
> > instructions."
> >
> > 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
> > that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
> > or your bags into the doors."
> >
> > 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
> > the door."
> >
> > 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
> > the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
> > you understand?"
> >
> > 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
> > move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
> > personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
> > rear of the
> > train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away
> > from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
> > sideways!"
> >
> > 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
> > allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
> > a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
> > carriage."
> >
2 REPLIES
Community Veteran
Posts: 6,111
Thanks: 1
Registered: 05-04-2007

A funny for Friday!

That thing about the underground reminds me of a couple of slightly unusual announcements I've heard (and these are actually true, unlike those Tongue )... one was when England beat Germany in the World/Euro (I can't remember which) cup a few years ago - just as me and my dad were leaving Victoria on the Victoria (funnily enough) line, the driver came over the PA system to tell everyone the score. Another funny announcement was actually on a bus a few months ago. It was one of these "bendy" buses where you can get on at any of the doors, not just the front - the bus stopped somewhere and a woman got on, brandishing a bag of chips... the driver promptly announced to the whole bus that the bus wouldn't be going anywhere until the lady either ate or got rid of her chips. :lol:

Thomas
N/A

A funny for Friday!

One of the Chester Guards on the Crewe Holy Head run annouces over the speaker system as we arrive in Llandudno junction that we are approsching the Centre of the Universe. When we arrive at the Holyhead Terminus he informs us we are at the End of the World, oh how true lol