(N.B. This post is, perhaps, more like a blog post than a forum post – I suppose it is going to be quite deep for General Chit-Chat. Do bear with me though if you're at all interested in the subject; it only takes a couple of minutes to read.)Honesty. We've probably all grown up with the mantra that it's the ‘best policy’; instilled in us during our formative years to try to ensure that we become truthful beings who'd never dream of deceptive behaviour. Recently, however, having observed other people's behaviour and heard other people's experiences, I'm starting to wonder how much value there is in the mantra after all – how applicable the notion of being truthful to one another actually is in modern society. I'd therefore like to share my thoughts with the fine upstanding citizens that frequent this forum and, if I may, solicit some other people's thoughts.
I'll begin with my own experiences. As a child I had a very disrupted family life, owing to major problems between my mother and father. My father would tell me that my mother was a liar, and my mother would tell me that my father was a liar. There was this huge gulf between my two parents, but not wanting to lose one of those parents, I had to straddle that gap. I was young, naïve, and to some extent afraid of where my life family was going to end up – which made me gullible. The result was that my father started lying to me… a lot. At first, my gullibility meant that I didn't realise what was happening, with some pretty unsavoury consequences. But slowly my mother pointed out the web of deceit that had surrounded me, and I ceased to believe the things my father told me – things that I now realise were utterly farcical. Unfortunately however, I also started to lose trust in my mother too, owing to actions of hers and things she said which made me feel I could not rely on what she told me either.
There were two results from all of that, which is why I've talked about it above (albeit, believe me, very briefly). The first unfortunate result was that I now find it
extremely difficult to trust people. I no longer trust my father, and the trust I have in my mother is also significantly diminished. My parents' lies hurt me massively when I was a child, and as those who know me to some kind of personal extent will know, I've still not managed to fix my life since then. I'm therefore utterly determined to never fall in to the trap of being emotionally hurt by lies again, which I achieve by, quite simply, taking everything anyone says with a pinch of salt, until I know them well enough to be close enough to certain that they are actually truthful.
The other result is that I decided I would try and live my life being as absolutely honest as possible, from the smallest things to the biggest. I wanted to avoid going anywhere near the world of blatant dishonesty or even just half-truths; anywhere near the world that'd messed up my life those years ago.
There appears, however, to be a problem: today's society. It's been increasingly dawning on me lately that modern society, at least in England, is so dependent on lying that 1. it's near enough impossible to avoid being on the receiving end, and 2. one is at a disadvantage if one doesn't partake of some of it too. The lies of which one ends up at the receiving end might only be small – for example, making up an excuse to visit someone later than they've suggested – but they're still lies all the same. The fact that any particular person is willing to make up such a lie immediately makes me concerned about that person, because I think ‘Ok, that person is obviously willing to lie – so where do they draw the line?’. I'd love to live a life where I could know that everything people tell me is true, but it seems impossible. Hypocritically, I even caught myself making a small lie a couple or few weeks ago, to make things a bit more convenient for myself, which I was
very annoyed about when reflecting upon what I'd done afterwards. Just because everyone else does it doesn't make it right…
…or does it? I'd like to think it doesn't, but I'm not so sure any more. Perhaps the most frustrating example of this society's reliance on dishonesty came from something a friend of mine told me about when she tried to get a job. She was asked in an interview about her tennis playing, and she said that she enjoyed it but wasn't very good; an appraisal which, knowing her personality, I expect is accurate (I've never seen her play tennis!). She failed the interview. Why? Because she hadn't sold herself enough. The interviewer wanted to hear my friend – who, like me, is very honest – say that she was better than she really was. Which really appalled me: my friend's honesty had cost her a job… and ironically, someone who lied about his skills got it instead (he was asked if he knew how to do something; he said he did but it was subsequently found he didn't). I can't help but therefore feel that honest, frank, straight-talking people like me are actually at a disadvantage in this culture; we have become so used to lying to get what we want that when someone like me or my friend who makes a point of
not lying comes along, we end up being at odds with the whole ‘system’.
So… well, I'd be interested in hearing what other people think about the whole idea of honesty. Is it still an important part of society? Is it still a valued trait in people? Do people still assume that everyone else is honest despite the fact there's so much dishonesty surrounding us? Is anyone troubled by that surrounding dishonesty? And perhaps most importantly: how honest are you –
really? (You don't have to answer that one – I offer it more for self reflection. If anyone wants to answer it though then be my guest.)
How honest are you – really? [long post]