Please add all entries to the Christmas jokes competition to this thread.

If you've not seen the announcement have a look at my recent post.

Check this page out for full details of the rules.

You've got until 9am Monday morning so get posting. And make them funny. Please

Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?." 
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

During a break in a recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championship several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging in the lobby. "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah", said another, "I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing", said a third, "I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
The Doorman asked why they had been thrown out.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

Don't be so quick to judge PJ we haven't read yours yet 


Edit: I thought it was funny

I know I can't win but how about -

What do you call a gold clad Christmas crooner??



Bling Crosby

Good effort Chris.


Over to Simon Cowell PJ

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colours red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse.

Been around for a while this one and not really a joke but time for another viewing me thinks

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
as Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
in hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Half Life 2 was for Billy, Desert Combat for Dan,
and Ghost Recon 2 for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mum,
to santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com...

...which has now been re-routed to Washington State,
because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
and a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way......from where Bill has his palace.

The old fellow preens in black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
with the Microsoft label. So spin on your tree,
now Christmas runs only on Windows XP.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
and Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
it's the ultimate software with a traditional twist
recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is microsoft's scheme,
and a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The santalite owned by the Microsoft guy.
as I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
my computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
and i heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

Entry is now closed. I'll put a poll up shortly so we can choose a winner.

Ok, not much take up on this one 

I've just added the massive 4 entries that we had into the poll at the start of the thread. One vote each, the voting will close at 9am Wednesday 12th December and I'll announce the lucky winner shortly after.

I'm very surprised at the lack of response to this competition.

Many people on this forum are IT Professionals with customers to support.

Remember IT Support Professionals and drug dealers both have customers called Users who are in need of professional help.

Therefore a well developed sense of humour is a must. 

Ok folks - voting is closed.

Bob Milton is now the proud owner of 1 month's free broadband!

It was a close run race with just one vote separating Bob and Strat.

Thanks for the entries - I'll be launching another competition pretty soon which should hopefully get a bit more interest!

Well done Bob

You're a worthy winner.

Enjoy your prize

Nice one Bob well done mate !

would have been nice to see more enthusiasm but hey

Yeah, I know what you mean, I just tell rubbish jokes though! Can come away with some extremly random things in day-to-day conversation, but when I try to be funny... nothing!

Congrats on the free month Bob, enjoy it!

Thank you!